It usually takes me a while to gather my thoughts and to see where it is I am before writing a blog post. With tons of resources at my disposal (Writing prompts from pinterest and bloglovin) I should be able to pin something down. Get my thoughts out in a coherent light…not really. My moods have been up and down as per usual and I have been feeling as if i am going through the motions for weeks. Trying to get something in my life that pushes me and drives me to feel passionate again. If I ever felt passionate about something, I can’t remember.
What’s it like? I often ask myself this question. Then I sit back and tell myself. relax and stop stressing about everything. Just sit and not think.
Easier said then done. Thoughts are constantly running of things I need to do, should do, could do, just do.
So when it came to this post, I reflected back on one of my favorite posts from 2014 (it wasn’t even written in 2014..I think, whatever) and it discussed how writing in blogs and journals have changed. Everyone is looking for an audience to make a profit to add to their list of accomplishments, which leads to the I need a reason to write, when it should be I have thoughts and I need to get them down on paper. Yes, you can have a them. Totally! But writing should be something you enjoy, not a job. My thoughts right now are that I had a sleepless night and woke up renewed. I watched some tv in the morning, had a good laugh. Ate some breakfast. Didn’t rush to work and I made sure I looked around myself. Up. Down. around. Everywhere. Didn’t even acknowledge my email before setting out to do my work. (That crap actually works, ignoring the mundane emails…who knew!). I want to enjoy life. It’s the 14th of January of 2015 already! The 14th. I can barely even believe that I am in 2015 (Just waiting for Marty McFly with the rest of them). I want to cherish it all. I want to savor it like the last bit piece of chocolate truffle. It should last and these thoughts will keep on coming and going until they nothing.
I am getting philosophical here. So I will stop. The point of this post was that I have had plenty of ideas for writing, I just haven’t felt like blogging since they felt mundane and uninteresting compared to others. That’s not what this blog is about. I have thoughts and they will be written and entertain me in the future. I know I will regret it if I doubt. I am the audience of this blog.
It gets like this. Every once in a while, the feeling of nothing. If you can have a feeling like that, comes out of no where. I have the drive today. Writing up a blog post and mapping out what I want to say. Am I happy about it? No, not really. I just feel like I am going through the motion. Do I know that plenty of people in the world are going through this? Do I seem stupid? Because I’m not. I know I am not the only one who gets like this. Maybe it’s the holidays…
Or maybe it’s the season. It’s just the way I am. The feeling…a feeling I can’t even come up with a word for, leads me day to day and motions that I don’t feel comfort in.
Sounds poetic or even like a glimpse of a lovely line in literature. Not really, just random thoughts that I needed to get down, online not on paper. Because paper wouldn’t be fast enough for these passing thoughts that keep flitting in and out of my head. I could be a literary genius if I was a fast writer or could snap out a speedy text on my phone to my memo, but I’m not. Just a girl who needs to feel something, so this journal comes in handy.
The thoughts that went through my mind this Thanksgiving Holiday weekend were so random and yet thought-provoking. I get depressed every once in a while when I feel as if I have nothing to do with my life (I have so much to do in my life, but I lack the energy or enthusiasm to do it). So the night of Thanksgiving where every weirdo, yes you, are out prepping for black Friday, I was trying go to sleep or at least summon a tear to loosen up the lump in my throat to cry tears I didn’t know I needed to release. So, I find my favorite YouTube concert of Mumford and Sons (Lollapollaza 2013) and get out my rarely used paint set and set out to get out my emotions. I got a few tears from it and some artsy stuff as well. It was nice. It reminded me of what I was like when I was a kid and I would feel the same way. There wasn’t anyone that I felt I should bother with my thoughts, so getting it out on paper was where I went. Social media took over that method and I lost a bit of my imagination. It was nice to be able to do something that simple just to feel a little bit.
Afterwards, I was tired and ready to get some shuteye and went straight to sleep. I felt proud of my work, but It was time to sleep away those negative thoughts and not think of anything. It was times like that I am glad I didn’t have any dreams. Dreams can get a persons hopes up you know.
I have thoughts apparently. So many of them filtering out of my brain, that I had to write them down in my notebook at work. They range from bills to ideas to even the most mundane school work that is due. My brain was overloaded with information and to dos that needed to be written down. But I did wonder, how much would I write (Bullet points) of my thoughts that came across my mind?
The thought in my head as of now, besides this post, is to write more thoughts about my lunch with my friend Heather. What happened over lunch? What ideas I have to have for more lunchs. What kind of fun I can have before becoming busy with school again. To blank.
That is how my brain worked. My thoughts culminating into ideas and random crap. I thrive on random crap! I have named several of blogs out of that. How would Einstein detail his brain? Any ideas?
I don’t. I keep thinking that if i just account for everything I am thinking about, I can find the place where I am most depressed or find a reason for not wanting to engage in my favorite activity. Reading. I am wondering why I don’t do that anymore. I have plenty of books (to many romances) just not enough enthusiasm.
Oh! and lack of love life does take up much of brain…
WAIT! It’s being single and ready to mingle that has me preoccupied with love.! Seriously?
So over this. I’m going to bed. Like now or after 5pm today.