That would be Gavin DeGraw’s Chariot. That album helped me feel…the lyrics, the instruments, his voice! It all helped. I honestly think as a teenager we seek to find ourselves and introducing ourselves to different things such as music, art, books, movies makes us feel as if we discovered it all on our own. It’s ours. No one else. Gavin DeGraw was that for me. Believe me, everyone heard of him. If you were a teen from 2004, you would have seen or heard of One Tree Hill. Gavin’s song I Don’t Want to be was the theme song. Instantly fell for him and before the social media craze took over my world, television was my way of finding out what was the latest in trends. Then it was on to the library, where I was ecstatic find Gavin DeGraw’s Chariot awaiting me after I placed a hold on it. The library was where I discovered Renee Olstead and gathered tons of romance novels. I was looking for something to entertain me and I found it. I think when I look back on all of my discoveries I found pieces of myself. Now I am doing it all over again, but instead of feeling like I am complete, I feel lost. Overwhelmed and burnt out, I am searching for something to entertain me and I don’t think I have the optimism of a quiet 15 year old. I now have the jaded realist mindset of a vocal 26 year old who wants to curl into herself until her problems go away. Listening to Chariot now still gets me going, but my body is slow and my mind feels weighted down. Looking for the new discoveries of my 20s is gonna take time and I am gonna need to take chances again, even though it scares the crap out of me.
So apparently my last post was aimed for sympathy. Nope. Not at all. I know I am pretty damn lucky to have two jobs and only working on 6 to 7 hours of sleep isn’t something to complain about. My goal for the post was to get out my thoughts on how I was not used to it. How it will eventually become the norm. If I were to fully dedicate myself to my future career, I would probably love spending a good portion of my day out an about for 80 to 100 hour work weeks. Yes, it’s tiring, but it’s for something I love. Maybe I should have been more specific. The loss of sleep for an extra job that is driving me up the wall due to more management is what is making whine like a little baby. Not the job itself or lack of sleep. It’s the fact that I am losing said sleep for poor management. Other then that when I look at my schedule I am pretty damn lucky. I still have plans and I know others who have done this or who are still doing this have plans as well. Mine is debt and to have a financial cusion set up since my mother is sick. I want to be able to prepare for the worse.
This blog is a blog that I use to put out my thoughts. The original name was called the sweet life of a complainer. I am in no way rich or even middle class. I am in the poverty level and I have been my entire life, but my life is simple and I like it that way. Now I am just trying to adjust to be a grown ass woman taking care of her family and complaining or excuse me, venting, is what I will do on this blog. No sympathy. Nothing. If you don’t like it, you can go and read someone else blog.
On a typical night I get about 10 hours worth of sleep time. *Does math in my head. Get home at 4:30ish in the afternoon. Shower. Talk with mom. Catch up on ALL social media even though it’s only been 30 mins (Really, I have a problem). Get tired and I am out at, let’s say 5:30 pm to about 8:30 pm. Wake up. Eat. Watch a bit of TV. Catch up on social media, because I was so “Busy” that I didn’t want to hang out tonight. Go back to sleep at 10 pm and wake up at 6:15 am. Yea, so that is about 10 hours worth of interrupted sleep! Look at me with envy people! Look with envy.
Well that changed as of March 14th. I got a second job working close to 25 to 30 hours a week. Honestly I could do less, but this bare minimum wage sucks ass. My sleep schedule has drastically changed. I now get home at 10:30 pm and get to be at 11:15 pm, waking up at 6:15 am. Yes, I know that is still a lot of hours of sleeping, but what happens when your body has to adjust to it? It gets tired and loses focus. My body aches and I am tired more often and I feel less prepared then when I was before. It’s hard to think and I am stressed out more. My day seems to end a whole lot quicker (Not at the 2nd job, that one seems to last forever) and I feel like I am not accomplishing anything and I’m not.
On Friday, I received my first paycheck from my 2nd job and it was okay, but I practically blew through it. My willpower to save vanished as soon as I knew that I had a cushion to fall on. A cushion that I will need to reach my goal by the end of the year, but telling myself no when I feel so tired and depleted just seemed so mean.
So, now I am making a decision to get off the sad horse and make this work for me. My plan is to change my availability to work for me and to stop complaining at work. I always knew it was going to be an issue, but it’s starting to embarrass me. Don’t want that. Reading that others are working 80 hour work weeks made me feel humble. Yes, it’s a different situation, but we all have a purpose we wish to accomplish and it’s never easy to get reach it. I may not know why I am doing this…but I know I want to have a brighter and lighter (Debt wise) future.
Just breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. *Sobs internally* I miss my 10 hours of sleep!
So after much reflection, I have realized I am not a great as I thought I was. To be honest, I suck. I was thinking about how I interact with others and the amount of weird and childish antics i put out is ASTOUNDING. I mean, I cross my arms a lot and I refer conversations back to me about what I’VE been through and it is seriously sad. I keep harping about how I need to know myself and all that BS and well it ain’t so pretty. Now I want to make a difference, but how do you move forward from a self realization like I just made.
I DON’T KNOW! I really don’t. This year is about living with intention and grace. My two words of the year. They are great and I support them in my life wholeheartedly. I just need to understand what I should do to start changing. So far, I have started to listen more and stop offering half ass advice and just listen…listening to what the person says the first time around, instead of having the Oh shit! That wasn’t really good advice later on. Live. Live life and accept the past and move forward. Moving on sounds so weird, like “Oh Hey! I don’t care anymore. Not even gonna acknowledge it”. Moving forwards seems like I am acknowledging it and I am going to more forward to not make the same mistake.
It’s not that bad when I think about it. My life could have been suckier if I actually did half of what I wanted to do in my life, but I am glad that my voice of reason has gotten stronger and wiser and less stupid. So, I am gonna move forward. Add that to the list of life goals. Accept the past and move forward. Yes, shit happened. You can dwell on it or do something about. I chose to do something about it and I better FUCKING do it!!!
P.S. Today seemed like a good day to curse. I had so much frustration, saying fiddle diddle didn’t seem like the greatest idea.
I am scared that if I have children, they will grow up feeling inadequate and have low self esteem. Like their mother
I sure have missed Tumblr…school sucks the fun out of things.
1) Going to the library
Only downfall was doing homework, even that was good though.
2) Walking in my neighborhood
It was hot, but it was nice
3) Lying down in my clean room
It was hot in the house, but my mom left for a bit. Peace for 30mins.
4) Watching ‘Masterpiece Mystery: Sherlock Holmes: Series II
Wonderful, in love with his disconnect. Only sad part, was that I missed the 1st one.
5) Watching ‘One Day’ with Anne Hathaway
Watching the end of ‘One Day’…so sad
6) Having a crying jag due to ‘One Day’
7) A nice shower to calm the saddness from that beautiful movie
It was nice!
8) Joy Luck Club
Still amazing and insightful
9) Realizing I should live London.