Memo #1: Is it wrong that I envy people who have a defined faith?

Memo: Is it wrong that I envy people who have a defined faith? No? Thought so.

I am into blogs right now. Reading them and getting inspired once again to write out all my thoughts, when I noticed that few (a lot) are really into Jesus and faith. I am totally okay with that. It’s great really. I just don’t have it in me to be a full on worshiper. Half the time I just want to snap at people and say we could be aliens! or better yet how in the world could He just say we were created like that, yet you all don’t believe in magic. How does that work? Not that I believe in magic either, I’ve seen those magic unlocked series.

So my faith resides in that there is a higher power, but it may not be a person, but a power like Mother nature and we are her children who believe in a God who created our world in 6 days. When in reality it’s more like a billion years and still going. Pessimistic I am yet still optimistic or would it be a realist with idealistic tendencies.

Maybe what I envy is the fact that they have an answer as to why stuff happens good and bad, whereas I am stuck with the question of who what why and what the fudge!? This will not change. I know it. I will always be that person who is constantly questioning what is that I believe and still wear the cross her mother gave her on her 16th birthday. Not because of the meaning of it, but as a treasure given to me by my mother. A gift. Is that what people of faith look at their belief as, a gift? A gift to be able look at life as always having an answer because He always has a plan for his children. No worries or fear?

This entire thing is a something that I will live with forever or until I fully understand what is it I want to believe in.

Friends with benefits, so not me

Is it wrong to start living dangerously? Or even a bit on the wild side?

No.

I have recently started embracing my sexual side. Not in a overtly way, but more subtle. However, it is not going as planned.

Feelings of guilt and pride are getting in the way of what, in my opinion, have been done to me.

Recently an ex-boyfriend…who am I kidding my only boyfriend has come back into the picture. I don’t have any feelings for him, but I feel a desire or putting it plainly a need for his…well man bits. I don’t feel shame for it. It is apart of nature. However, I do feel guilty, well now I do. I shamelessly used him last night and subtly (not really) kicked him out. Looking back on this, it was a childish thing to do. I get it! I am hurting him for the multiple times he has used me, but in my opinion and you all are going to roll your eyes, we didn’t have sex.

We haven’t in over a year. That still doesn’t excuse my behavior. So I apologized.

I can’t be one of those girls that leads someone on or even does the friends with benefits knowingly. I have had to nip in the bud with him before, even when we both got what we wanted. But during those times it was implicitly known and agreed upon.

He has changed for the better. Matured. Self-assured. Caring.

I , on the other hand, have gone back to the college days that I never really got have. Which is stupid.

So I am going to go back to my mature and smart self and make better decisions. Just because I don’t want to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean I have to drag someone along for the ride of my own destruction.

Living free is great, but in my case, a friend with benefit will just be a friend that I hang out with as a friend.

 

A side note to my thoughts

I have thoughts apparently. So many of them filtering out of my brain, that I had to write them down in my notebook at work.  They range from bills to ideas to even the most mundane school work that is due. My brain was overloaded with information and to dos that needed to be written down. But I did wonder, how much would I write (Bullet points) of my thoughts that came across my mind?

The thought in my head as of now, besides this post, is to write more thoughts about my lunch with my friend Heather. What happened over lunch? What ideas I have to have for more lunchs. What kind of fun I can have before becoming busy with school again. To blank.

That is how my brain worked. My thoughts culminating into ideas and random crap. I thrive on random crap! I have named several of blogs out of that. How would Einstein detail his brain? Any ideas?

I don’t. I keep thinking that if i just account for everything I am thinking about, I can find the place where I am most depressed or find a reason for not wanting to engage in my favorite activity. Reading. I am wondering why I don’t do that anymore. I have plenty of books (to many romances) just not enough enthusiasm.

Oh! and lack of love life does take up much of brain…

WAIT! It’s being single and ready to mingle that has me preoccupied with love.! Seriously?

So over this. I’m going to bed. Like now or after 5pm today.

Little thoughts

It seems life has its road blocks and bumps in them. Normal.

I recently completed a discussion post for my teen programming class and was brought back to the past. The nostalgia. RememhIber my junior year and being so happy to be a teenager. All of my hopes and fearlessness on the rise. I know I wasn’t the picture of teen happiness, but it wasn’t as bad as senior year(stressful mess).

Now as I reminices on the past, I realize that apart of me has dwindled and died with being an adult. Have to say high school did not adequately prepare me for the “real world”, because I am sucking at it big time.

However, I am partly to blame. Teens need to be educated on what to do when they move out. Nature and nuture go together not apart in my opinion and I seeing parents taking various roads in teaching their children. Independece and education in not being naive should be emphasize wholeheartedly.

Making plans is something that I did as a teen, but the dreamworld took over the realism. Money, school, job, marriage, family, owning a home. The real world. The discussion post opened up my eyes for a bit at how naive I was and still am. I need to stop judging others on their life and start living mine.

Scared took over being fearless.

Reality took over hope.

At 24 I slowly getting to where I wanna be. I may not have children, but I am still surpassing the goal that I originally established. Although not the way I wanted it.

Maybe that will be my next goal. Doing what I want!

Own a house. Live in a different state. Stop being so afraid to take chances. Make mistakes and learn from them. Travel. Get a job that I want (easier said then done in the economy). Volunteer.

What do I want to do before I die? Create and complete my buried list.

Yes, my junior was my finest year. Not perfect, but great. But I still have years ahead to make it memorable. Friends and family to help.

Pictures to take. Blogs to write. Peaces to show! Love to give out. Me and my little thoughts to share.

Heart hurts

My heart felt like it had been wrung dry. I did know I could feel this way. Alone. I am ok with myself alone, but my thoughts immediately run to my future and I realize that a part of me wants to have a secure family life. I want what everybody has. It scares me.

I got my hope up liking men that have no interest in me. It’s not their fault. I am just not their type. It could be the obvious: looks, wierdness, loser status or that they feel no connection. I am learning day by day on how to be happy alone or at least tolerate it, but I am only human and I can’t help feeling depressed.

I am proud of my accomplishments. Just want to share them with someone. Not family. Not best friends. Someone who is there for me beyond that level. A learning curve til I fully pass in being alone.