Getting to it. Woot!

Over the hump, well sort of. I paid off one part of my debt. A small piece, but a piece nonetheless. Now I feel as if a weight has been lifted and now resides on my brain! All I think about is when I will be completely finished and look for every loop hole in completing it. Not an easy thing to do. Honestly, all I want to do is save and have a nice fund for emergencies. I sift through the personal finance blogs religiously and I am currently looking for new position that pays differently. However, after some stuff came to light, I realize I am going about it the wrong way.

Remember to breathe girl, breathe.

OK, so when you manage to hit a goal, it happens. What? The plateau happens. You hit a wall and you can’t seem to go beyond it. That’s me. Move forward, progress. Finish what you started. Brain starts coming up with different things to do and the motivation that once was is now gone. Soooooo I am taking a break. Instead of paying off my debt and stressing myself out, I am going to do the minimum payment, while saving my additional checks to do a snowball in two months. That way I can just completely wipe it out and also be able to track the extra funds. It’s one of the issues I have been having, tracking my numbers. It makes sense to me. Job wise, take it slow. My friends recently moved to California for a new job opportunity and to say I was envious was an understatement. Applications started coming out my ears, along with return of rejections. This allowed me to reflect on my apps and realize I wasn’t ready, nor am I prepared. Another area that will be stopped. Gonna take it slow and only apply to positions that I genuinely want and not for the money. Understanding that this will be my career for years to come and that it is to be taken seriously. My own path will not look like everyone else, and that’s great.

This is currently what I am doing. Yes, it will keep me in my same predicament, but at least I will be satisfied, although impatient about it. It will eventually get done.

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What album stands out to you from high school?

That would be Gavin DeGraw’s Chariot. That album helped me feel…the lyrics, the instruments, his voice! It all helped. I honestly think as a teenager we seek to find ourselves and introducing ourselves to different things such as music, art, books, movies makes us feel as if we discovered it all on our own. It’s ours. No one else. Gavin DeGraw was that for me. Believe me, everyone heard of him. If you were a teen from 2004, you would have seen or heard of One Tree Hill. Gavin’s song I Don’t Want to be was the theme song. Instantly fell for him and before the social media craze took over my world, television was my way of finding out what was the latest in trends. Then it was on to the library, where I was ecstatic find Gavin DeGraw’s Chariot awaiting me after I placed a hold on it. The library was where I discovered Renee Olstead and gathered tons of romance novels. I was looking for something to entertain me and I found it. I think when I look back on all of my discoveries I found pieces of myself. Now I am doing it all over again, but instead of feeling like I am complete, I feel lost. Overwhelmed and burnt out, I am searching for something to entertain me and I don’t think I have the optimism of a quiet 15 year old. I now have the jaded realist mindset of a vocal 26 year old who wants to curl into herself until her problems go away. Listening to Chariot now still gets me going, but my body is slow and my mind feels weighted down. Looking for the new discoveries of my 20s is gonna take time and I am gonna need to take chances again, even though it scares the crap out of me.

We all have a purpose even when we are tired.

On a typical night I get about 10 hours worth of sleep time. *Does math in my head. Get home at 4:30ish in the afternoon. Shower. Talk with mom. Catch up on ALL social media even though it’s only been 30 mins (Really, I have a problem). Get tired and I am out at, let’s say 5:30 pm to about 8:30 pm. Wake up. Eat. Watch a bit of TV. Catch up on social media, because I was so “Busy” that I didn’t want to hang out tonight. Go back to sleep at 10 pm and wake up at 6:15 am. Yea, so that is about 10 hours worth of interrupted sleep! Look at me with envy people! Look with envy.

Well that changed as of March 14th. I got a second job working close to 25 to 30 hours a week. Honestly I could do less, but this bare minimum wage sucks ass. My sleep schedule has drastically changed. I now get home at 10:30 pm and get to be at 11:15 pm, waking up at 6:15 am. Yes, I know that is still a lot of hours of sleeping, but what happens when your body has to adjust to it? It gets tired and loses focus. My body aches and I am tired more often and I feel less prepared then when I was before. It’s hard to think and I am stressed out more. My day seems to end a whole lot quicker (Not at the 2nd job, that one seems to last forever) and I feel like I am not accomplishing anything and I’m not.

On Friday, I received my first paycheck from my 2nd job and it was okay, but I practically blew through it. My willpower to save vanished as soon as I knew that I had a cushion to fall on. A cushion that I will need to reach my goal by the end of the year, but telling myself no when I feel so tired and depleted just seemed so mean.

So, now I am making a decision to get off the sad horse and make this work for me. My plan is to change my availability to work for me and to stop complaining at work. I always knew it was going to be an issue, but it’s starting to embarrass me. Don’t want that. Reading that others are working 80 hour work weeks made me feel humble. Yes, it’s a different situation, but we all have a purpose we wish to accomplish and it’s never easy to get reach it. I may not know why I am doing this…but I know I want to have a brighter and lighter (Debt wise) future.

Just breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. *Sobs internally* I miss my 10 hours of sleep!

Just breathe…

Remember to breathe through it. Every moment of my life I have had to struggle to breathe. I don’t respiratory problems, no, I have stress issues. I stress over everything that seems a bit out of the norm for me. Today I have simple day. Work and Work. Two jobs almost back to back and since it isn’t apart of my usual routine I am freaking out. No amount of breathing and reading motivational materials has worked as of yet.

So I have telling myself to breathe, relax, and sleep. Yep sleep. I haven’t been getting that a lot, which is another reason I am not doing very well. How do I implement my plan? So many questions in my head…wondering how people manage to balance everything.

Breathe….in…out…in…out (Repeat forever)

The habit of a debt ridden 26 year old.

Constantly I am asking myself why am I in debt. I already know the answer. School, frivolous spending, and lack of accountability. I wasn’t smart with how I handle my money situations. I ignored it or blamed other outliers. Not the smartest and adult thing to do, yet I did. Now, I am 26, about to turn 27 and I am in debt with over 50k in student loan debt, plus my car loan, and credit card debt. This isn’t what I had planned. I had plans to get out of debt fast and quick. The student loans I knew was going to be heavy. My undergraduate and graduate degree are both apart of it. I am actually one of the few that could put two degrees on one loan,but I digress. I don’t want it. So I started a plan, a goal, a get out of debt goal. I have been up and down on it for months. I came up with spreadsheets and I have even started on the entire plan, but old habits die hard. My debit card is my go to and cash doesn’t hinder me. Honestly, even though I know I need to save every penny I see extra money and it’s gone. So that money could have been put to something else, instead I by stupid “necessities” that could have waited. Every little penny counts. So, now I owe myself money. Yep. That’s what I gone down to. IOU’s

As an adult, as a person, I know that I’ve got to make changes in my life…got to start somewhere though. I’ve started with my money. I am hoping that if I am able to get a part time job, I can at least knock off at least 6k for 2015. Let’s hope folks.

My self realization moment.

So after much reflection, I have realized I am not a great as I thought I was. To be honest, I suck. I was thinking about how I interact with others and the amount of weird and childish antics i put out is ASTOUNDING. I mean, I cross my arms a lot and I refer conversations back to me about what I’VE been through and it is seriously sad. I keep harping about how I need to know myself and all that BS and well it ain’t so pretty. Now I want to make a difference, but how do you move forward from a self realization like I just made.

I DON’T KNOW! I really don’t. This year is about living with intention and grace. My two words of the year. They are great and I support them in my life wholeheartedly. I just need to understand what I should do to start changing. So far, I have started to listen more and stop offering half ass advice and just listen…listening to what the person says the first time around, instead of having the Oh shit! That wasn’t really good advice later on. Live. Live life and accept the past and move forward. Moving on sounds so weird, like “Oh Hey! I don’t care anymore. Not even gonna acknowledge it”. Moving forwards seems like I am acknowledging it and I am going to more forward to not make the same mistake.

It’s not that bad when I think about it. My life could have been suckier if I actually did half of what I wanted to do in my life, but I am glad that my voice of reason has gotten stronger and wiser and less stupid. So, I am gonna move forward. Add that to the list of life goals. Accept the past and move forward. Yes, shit happened. You can dwell on it or do something about. I chose to do something about it and I better FUCKING do it!!!

P.S. Today seemed like a good day to curse. I had so much frustration, saying fiddle diddle didn’t seem like the greatest idea.

I get it…New Year. Resolutions. 2015 Here we go!

This year and the past few years actually, I have not done a full New Years Resolution list. Really, I feel that if you want to improve ones life, they shouldn’t need a resolution to do it or to even start it. As for me it is a great boost since there are so many challenges out this year. Fitness and Finance challenges are my thing this year. Resolutions have been for people a motivator to get moving, but for those of realist and idealistic folks we know that, that motivator can only get you so far. This applies to the challenges as well.

After reading blog after blog after blog, I noticed a trend. Resolutions are being pushed out like last years fad. It’s a way to give ourselves a kick without having a word associated with it. This is my going to be what I will be doing for the year. Living without a resolution. Instead I am going to dedicate myself to live. Live life instead of just going through the motions. Excuses that have hindered me from living a good life that I have wished, hoped, and dreamed about, even envied others about.

Intention: I am going to live with intention. If I say I am going to do something, I am going to do it. I won’t give myself a timeline or even a deadline, since that feels like a resolution, but I will remind myself that I said I would do it. That will be the kicker. For example, I want to get my nose pierced. I’m not scared, more nervous about what it will look like and how much it will cost, but I know I will get it done. Financially I have it planned for April, but I digress. I am going to do it!

Grace: I have seen myself go from graceful, classy, and a young lady to a bitter, bitchy, and catty woman. That isn’t how I want to live my life. When I was in high school, I always looked up to people from the south. They had dignity and pride and always seemed wise beyond their years. So it was nice to get compliments that I had a southern mentality. Yes, I know some southerners are a bit much, but I will take what I can get. Still it was nice to have that. Grace is how I see myself. A lady who takes pride in herself, makes an effort to be kind to others, and goes about the world with optimism and class.

And I can do that with a nose piercing!

*** I have been working on this post for a few days now, so bear with me.***

The fitness resolutions are HUGE after the start of the new year. WE all want to look good and lose that weight from last year. Hell the amount of resolutions made by people are primarily about fitness. In my case its more about sticking with it. That can’t be a resolution for me. It should just be a lifestyle that I live.

Living with intention. Completing what I said I would do. Getting fit. Sorting out my finances and sticking with a budget. Getting out more socially. Loving myself for who I am. Learning about myself. Trying new things. STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS. Getting help when I truly need it.

You don’t need a resolution to make a change. Change because you want to and just do it.