Try, try, and try again

Take a chance. That is the mantra I am going with right now. Looking at the positive and understanding that there will be negatives along the way to ending goal.

I think my thoughts for my life have always stressed me out. I tend to try and do more than what my brain can handle, producing content that is sub par compared to my original plan and ideal picture. So how do I go about rectifying that?

I don’t.

In my case, acknowledging that my mind works in a different way is a step in the right direction. Yes, I want to be successful, but in order to keep growing as a person and dealing with stressful situations I have to learn to adapt. I can still keep doing what I am doing and still adapt to the ever changing world around me. Work. Life. Everything.

I recently ended a toxic friendship/relationship. I have posted about this guy on SEVERAL occasions and I felt that this back and forth was tiresome. I feel that we were both at fault for how the friendship/relationship was. After a few bickering and argumentative text messages and a push on my part, we ended things. It was amicable. I deleted his contact information and un-friended him; a major thing to do nowadays.

You Un-Friended him! Well you must be serious…Yep that is the time we live in now.

It was needed and even though I felt like I was losing a friend that made my friend list outside of Facebook dwindle, it was definitely needed. I am growing as a person. I don’t want to stress out on a friendship that was irritating and was becoming toxic or was toxic.

The same with my job. I am starting to become more focuses or in my case, I am starting to take my job serious.

SIDE-NOTE: I recently went to a panel on Librarians and the job hunting process. The average number that the applicants sent out applications was 85 resumes/cover letters! And some got called back by maybe 2-5 employers. It was scary and I knew immediately that I needed to gain more experience in case I need to appeal for a pay raise.

I am gaining more experience and respect for what I am doing in my position. Proud!

I am taking chances and losing that fear that has gripped me for years. Going for the gold! I can only try and if that doesn’t work, try , try, and try again.

 

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Friends with benefits, so not me

Is it wrong to start living dangerously? Or even a bit on the wild side?

No.

I have recently started embracing my sexual side. Not in a overtly way, but more subtle. However, it is not going as planned.

Feelings of guilt and pride are getting in the way of what, in my opinion, have been done to me.

Recently an ex-boyfriend…who am I kidding my only boyfriend has come back into the picture. I don’t have any feelings for him, but I feel a desire or putting it plainly a need for his…well man bits. I don’t feel shame for it. It is apart of nature. However, I do feel guilty, well now I do. I shamelessly used him last night and subtly (not really) kicked him out. Looking back on this, it was a childish thing to do. I get it! I am hurting him for the multiple times he has used me, but in my opinion and you all are going to roll your eyes, we didn’t have sex.

We haven’t in over a year. That still doesn’t excuse my behavior. So I apologized.

I can’t be one of those girls that leads someone on or even does the friends with benefits knowingly. I have had to nip in the bud with him before, even when we both got what we wanted. But during those times it was implicitly known and agreed upon.

He has changed for the better. Matured. Self-assured. Caring.

I , on the other hand, have gone back to the college days that I never really got have. Which is stupid.

So I am going to go back to my mature and smart self and make better decisions. Just because I don’t want to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean I have to drag someone along for the ride of my own destruction.

Living free is great, but in my case, a friend with benefit will just be a friend that I hang out with as a friend.

 

That alone factor

Have you ever felt as if you are the only one in the world. It is as if no one is there. I have (or I used to, before I pushed everyone away) friends. Nowadays,  I have become a hermit.  A loser. I just find it awkward to have people around me. Starting conversations and trying to seem interesting or even interested. I’m not. I am bored and insecure. Insecure that people are genuinely interesting in what I have to say. I have ideas about going out, but boredom and fear wins out. It’s like I really and a contradiction of myself ( I want, but I won’t).

The way I have treated people makes me sick, it really does. I have pushed people away, due to my inability to deal with the fact that they are popular and more outgoing. My maturity level has gone down, along with the fun.

A change has to happen…

I just don’t know where to start or how. How do I start going out more. I have no friends. The friends I do have , have varying interests. What can I do?

Do what they want. Stop being so selfish and enjoy the ideas thrown out. A great idea, that I hope to follow one day.

Maybe this loneliness and lack of an inner circle will go away.

I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything right now.

Anchor, blue, flowers, stars, hearts, folk, peace, calm

I feel some of those words define me. Yet I don’t know who I am. I keep looking at the sad reality that my social circle has dwindled down even further than what it was before, to a barely forming 2 people. Even that has gone down.

I mainly hangout with my mother. Sad.

My coworker pointed out that I am painfully shy. I don’t agree, I just think I am shy…picky about who I speak with.

Ok, maybe she’s right. I can talk to passengers with no problem. I’m getting paid for it, but if I have to talk to someone outside of work, that is another story. I have a hard time sticking with the conversation. I either feel stupid about the topic, bored with the topic, or intimidated by the topic and the person.

This goes back to the main reason I have a shy issue: self esteem. I noticed that when I am surrounded by people who really actually care about what it is I have to say, I blossomed. I think this is why in college and high school, during certain times, I flourished.

Now, not so much. I am slowly making things happen. Did several 5ks(working to 10k), saving money (trying, failing), planning my future(deadline is to purchase a house before 30), hopefully receive a scholarship.

See I am really trying. Now I just need to work on meeting new people. Conquer my fear of driving. Travel for a vacation(when I have money).

Who doesn’t want to be surrounded by a group of people who don’t judge you, who cares about you, people who genuinely want to be with you?

I want that.

A sidenote about me. I tend to give up easily on friendships. I know, I know, why am whinning about not having any. I feel that if I can’t relate to them, why bother. Also, I feel uncomfortable. Meaning I can’t really talk to them. Its hard to convey my feelings. That’s what I feel towards Heather. We used to be close, but I just feel she and I have grown apart. I don’t feel the need to talk to her. Past incidents have occured that have justified that. I will have to get into that later.