Memo #2: It gets like this

It gets like this. Every once in a while, the feeling of nothing. If you can have a feeling like that, comes out of no where. I have the drive today. Writing up a blog post and mapping out what I want to say. Am I happy about it? No, not really. I just feel like I am going through the motion. Do I know that plenty of people in the world are going through this? Do I seem stupid? Because I’m not. I know I am not the only one who gets like this. Maybe it’s the holidays…

Or maybe it’s the season. It’s just the way I am. The feeling…a feeling I can’t even come up with a word for, leads me day to day and motions that I don’t feel comfort in.

Sounds poetic or even like a glimpse of a lovely line in literature. Not really, just random thoughts that I needed to get down, online not on paper. Because paper wouldn’t be fast enough for these passing thoughts that keep flitting in and out of my head. I could be a literary genius if I was a fast writer or could snap out a speedy text on my phone to my memo, but I’m not. Just a girl who needs to feel something, so this journal comes in handy.

Now what.

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Here it comes again…

** Disclaimer: Depressing read

 

I wouldn’t say I was depressed. Not exactly. I feel down. I always feel this way. Its become a norm for me. To fell as if I sank even deeper than before in despair. So much stress and drama I have around me that I created is my own reality.

Sometimes I look back at pictures and I see myself at a time that I wasn’t happy either. Like my life will never be satisfying. When it does get to that sweet point of satisfaction, I ruin it with inspiration and over thinking of motivation that I don’t have.

Today I am feeling the usual loneliness and minimal stress from school. Bitterness. Anger. Disappointment. I know it will take me a minute to get out of it, but I usually do. Not gonna lie. In my head I have so many ideas of what I want to do to get out it. Workout. Create. Complete my homework. And you know what I will most likely do? read smut romances, watch YouTube, and listen to music, and sleep.

Like a broken record. Where my mind, body, and soul are so freaking stubborn that they refuse to work together to get me motivated.

Maybe a vitamin will help.

Or maybe I will just ride this bout out.

My optimism has never left me. My stubbornness refuses to let go.

I feel like a woma…a depressed chunky one

I like to look a certain way. If that means having curves, so be it. I don’t like that feeling of depression coming over me due to my weight. I used to workout, but laziness called out to me. Now I am be starting all over again, with hope that I can reach my goal of losing 2o pounds. I really hope to. I just can’t look in the mirror and see what others see. The nice folks. I can see what society sees. A chunk girl with a gobbler for a neck. I want to be happy that I even have curves and show it off. My comfort fluxates on that and it doesn’t recognize that. I want to be comfortable in my real woman body and be accepting of myself. Being confidant in life, that my personal body issues go to the back and wallow with no attention from me.