Debt is and will always be a bitch

“When you have debt, it feels like a monster sitting on your back with its claws digging into your shoulders. The weight is added to everything you do: it feels heavy at work, because you know all you earn is just going towards it,  and it feels heavy when you’re out spending with friends, because you think you could be putting that extra money towards your debt. There’s always blood running down your back. There’s always a dull sting.” Money After Graduation

Oh.My.Gah. I am not so innocent in my debt. I used push away the blame and completely forget that I am the reason I am here. I saw one of credit card statements and my jaw hit the floor. What the heck was I spending at Target? Why did I have constant balances. The only time I didn’t have one was when I had the card for the first year. Then it became my crutch. I wanna live fast and free and buy all of my stuff and pay it off month by month. I never said I was bright. At all. Then, ha, here is the kicker, when I was maxed out on one card I got another! Right! How FUCKING stupid was that! I didn’t have an emergency fund and I had accrued my max debt on my credit cards. Yep and I wonder why I am so broke. Ohmygoshhhhhhhhh….. This drives me insane. I wasn’t taught this, but I still should have informed my self. Since I am oh so independent. Honestly, I get aggravated when I read some of these personal finance blogs with statements like ‘How I got rid of my 30,000 dollar debt in 6 months’ or ‘I retired by the time I was 30’. Well pooh pooh on you. Is this jealously I feel, probably, I won’t fully admit though. I will tell you what, they had motivation and drive and a better handle on money. Me, I plan and plan and let passing fancy deter me from my goal. To be debt free before thirty. Well, I am 27 and I will be with debt (except student loans) by the time I’m thirty. So, I will basically still be in debt.

We push and push and push ourselves to live the lives we were promised from our society and televison. I wanted the life that some of these tv shows had. Vacationing every summer out of town. Owning my own house. Being able to go and see my family for the holidays. Using my hard earned cash for what I want. I am so close.

Debt
CC – Paid Off July 2015
CC 2 – Goal Pay off by September
Car – Goal Pay off by end of 2016
Student Loan – Don’t even want to think about it (Goal pay off before I am 32, so 5 years)

These are not lofty aspirations, I can do it. I just have to start.

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Heart hurts

My heart felt like it had been wrung dry. I did know I could feel this way. Alone. I am ok with myself alone, but my thoughts immediately run to my future and I realize that a part of me wants to have a secure family life. I want what everybody has. It scares me.

I got my hope up liking men that have no interest in me. It’s not their fault. I am just not their type. It could be the obvious: looks, wierdness, loser status or that they feel no connection. I am learning day by day on how to be happy alone or at least tolerate it, but I am only human and I can’t help feeling depressed.

I am proud of my accomplishments. Just want to share them with someone. Not family. Not best friends. Someone who is there for me beyond that level. A learning curve til I fully pass in being alone.