Debt is and will always be a bitch

“When you have debt, it feels like a monster sitting on your back with its claws digging into your shoulders. The weight is added to everything you do: it feels heavy at work, because you know all you earn is just going towards it,  and it feels heavy when you’re out spending with friends, because you think you could be putting that extra money towards your debt. There’s always blood running down your back. There’s always a dull sting.” Money After Graduation

Oh.My.Gah. I am not so innocent in my debt. I used push away the blame and completely forget that I am the reason I am here. I saw one of credit card statements and my jaw hit the floor. What the heck was I spending at Target? Why did I have constant balances. The only time I didn’t have one was when I had the card for the first year. Then it became my crutch. I wanna live fast and free and buy all of my stuff and pay it off month by month. I never said I was bright. At all. Then, ha, here is the kicker, when I was maxed out on one card I got another! Right! How FUCKING stupid was that! I didn’t have an emergency fund and I had accrued my max debt on my credit cards. Yep and I wonder why I am so broke. Ohmygoshhhhhhhhh….. This drives me insane. I wasn’t taught this, but I still should have informed my self. Since I am oh so independent. Honestly, I get aggravated when I read some of these personal finance blogs with statements like ‘How I got rid of my 30,000 dollar debt in 6 months’ or ‘I retired by the time I was 30’. Well pooh pooh on you. Is this jealously I feel, probably, I won’t fully admit though. I will tell you what, they had motivation and drive and a better handle on money. Me, I plan and plan and let passing fancy deter me from my goal. To be debt free before thirty. Well, I am 27 and I will be with debt (except student loans) by the time I’m thirty. So, I will basically still be in debt.

We push and push and push ourselves to live the lives we were promised from our society and televison. I wanted the life that some of these tv shows had. Vacationing every summer out of town. Owning my own house. Being able to go and see my family for the holidays. Using my hard earned cash for what I want. I am so close.

Debt
CC – Paid Off July 2015
CC 2 – Goal Pay off by September
Car – Goal Pay off by end of 2016
Student Loan – Don’t even want to think about it (Goal pay off before I am 32, so 5 years)

These are not lofty aspirations, I can do it. I just have to start.

Getting to it. Woot!

Over the hump, well sort of. I paid off one part of my debt. A small piece, but a piece nonetheless. Now I feel as if a weight has been lifted and now resides on my brain! All I think about is when I will be completely finished and look for every loop hole in completing it. Not an easy thing to do. Honestly, all I want to do is save and have a nice fund for emergencies. I sift through the personal finance blogs religiously and I am currently looking for new position that pays differently. However, after some stuff came to light, I realize I am going about it the wrong way.

Remember to breathe girl, breathe.

OK, so when you manage to hit a goal, it happens. What? The plateau happens. You hit a wall and you can’t seem to go beyond it. That’s me. Move forward, progress. Finish what you started. Brain starts coming up with different things to do and the motivation that once was is now gone. Soooooo I am taking a break. Instead of paying off my debt and stressing myself out, I am going to do the minimum payment, while saving my additional checks to do a snowball in two months. That way I can just completely wipe it out and also be able to track the extra funds. It’s one of the issues I have been having, tracking my numbers. It makes sense to me. Job wise, take it slow. My friends recently moved to California for a new job opportunity and to say I was envious was an understatement. Applications started coming out my ears, along with return of rejections. This allowed me to reflect on my apps and realize I wasn’t ready, nor am I prepared. Another area that will be stopped. Gonna take it slow and only apply to positions that I genuinely want and not for the money. Understanding that this will be my career for years to come and that it is to be taken seriously. My own path will not look like everyone else, and that’s great.

This is currently what I am doing. Yes, it will keep me in my same predicament, but at least I will be satisfied, although impatient about it. It will eventually get done.

We all have a purpose even when we are tired.

On a typical night I get about 10 hours worth of sleep time. *Does math in my head. Get home at 4:30ish in the afternoon. Shower. Talk with mom. Catch up on ALL social media even though it’s only been 30 mins (Really, I have a problem). Get tired and I am out at, let’s say 5:30 pm to about 8:30 pm. Wake up. Eat. Watch a bit of TV. Catch up on social media, because I was so “Busy” that I didn’t want to hang out tonight. Go back to sleep at 10 pm and wake up at 6:15 am. Yea, so that is about 10 hours worth of interrupted sleep! Look at me with envy people! Look with envy.

Well that changed as of March 14th. I got a second job working close to 25 to 30 hours a week. Honestly I could do less, but this bare minimum wage sucks ass. My sleep schedule has drastically changed. I now get home at 10:30 pm and get to be at 11:15 pm, waking up at 6:15 am. Yes, I know that is still a lot of hours of sleeping, but what happens when your body has to adjust to it? It gets tired and loses focus. My body aches and I am tired more often and I feel less prepared then when I was before. It’s hard to think and I am stressed out more. My day seems to end a whole lot quicker (Not at the 2nd job, that one seems to last forever) and I feel like I am not accomplishing anything and I’m not.

On Friday, I received my first paycheck from my 2nd job and it was okay, but I practically blew through it. My willpower to save vanished as soon as I knew that I had a cushion to fall on. A cushion that I will need to reach my goal by the end of the year, but telling myself no when I feel so tired and depleted just seemed so mean.

So, now I am making a decision to get off the sad horse and make this work for me. My plan is to change my availability to work for me and to stop complaining at work. I always knew it was going to be an issue, but it’s starting to embarrass me. Don’t want that. Reading that others are working 80 hour work weeks made me feel humble. Yes, it’s a different situation, but we all have a purpose we wish to accomplish and it’s never easy to get reach it. I may not know why I am doing this…but I know I want to have a brighter and lighter (Debt wise) future.

Just breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. *Sobs internally* I miss my 10 hours of sleep!

It’s hard to face the reality I havea second job, abiet a part time job, but a job nonetheless. So I decided I need to give myself an incentive. Looking at it from the perspective from when I was a graduate student completing my e-portfolio, filling up the pie chart gave me some serious satisfaction. It was great. Sadly it wasn’t the thought of receiving the diploma that motivated me, it was the end of the rainbow, my trip to New Orleans. That trip sucked ass, but it didn’t suck in my mind before I went. My debt reduction plan and savings plan needs the motivation, it needs the incentive that I can complete this job in a specified time and reach the goals I have set and I need to stick with it. Creating a pie chart seems the way to do it. Actually, re-creating my entire e-portfolio plan but for finances seems the right way to go.

A pie chart, a excel spreadsheet of each goal (with amount), and the incentives listed I think will help in getting me to where I need. Now it does require a bit of restraint. Recently my thought process strayed too “I’m an adult, I shouldn’t need any incentives” then I remembered I hated waiting and I don’t like surprises. Welp, gonna suck it up and get back to basics. Just do it. Hopefully, this plan works in the allotted time I have given myself. There are plenty of men and women who are doing the exact same thing as me.

When faced with a difficult road ahead, having a positive attitude and looking for the bright light ahead seems to be the only good thought going through my head. Positivity. Positive that this will all work out.

So now what…

So I got the part time job. Woooo.

Do I seem excited, no, that’s because I am nervous as hell! My plan of action is happening. I set out to get a part time job so I can pay down debt and build my emergency fund. Now that it is happening, it is overwhelming. I don’t want to become super busy with work, but I have goals and I want to see it come to fruition.

My plan is to pay off my credit card debt (By July 2015), build my emergency fund (Covering six months worth of expenses by March 2016), pay off my car, and eventually start paying more on my student loans. If that can be done in a year and six months, I’m happy with it.

Still, the schedule is going to be intimidating to me. I believe in myself and I know that I want to accomplish getting out of debt. I just have to breathe and pace myself. It doesn’t have to be done in a year, it can be done in five. Just have to remember that.

The habit of a debt ridden 26 year old.

Constantly I am asking myself why am I in debt. I already know the answer. School, frivolous spending, and lack of accountability. I wasn’t smart with how I handle my money situations. I ignored it or blamed other outliers. Not the smartest and adult thing to do, yet I did. Now, I am 26, about to turn 27 and I am in debt with over 50k in student loan debt, plus my car loan, and credit card debt. This isn’t what I had planned. I had plans to get out of debt fast and quick. The student loans I knew was going to be heavy. My undergraduate and graduate degree are both apart of it. I am actually one of the few that could put two degrees on one loan,but I digress. I don’t want it. So I started a plan, a goal, a get out of debt goal. I have been up and down on it for months. I came up with spreadsheets and I have even started on the entire plan, but old habits die hard. My debit card is my go to and cash doesn’t hinder me. Honestly, even though I know I need to save every penny I see extra money and it’s gone. So that money could have been put to something else, instead I by stupid “necessities” that could have waited. Every little penny counts. So, now I owe myself money. Yep. That’s what I gone down to. IOU’s

As an adult, as a person, I know that I’ve got to make changes in my life…got to start somewhere though. I’ve started with my money. I am hoping that if I am able to get a part time job, I can at least knock off at least 6k for 2015. Let’s hope folks.