The thoughts that went through my mind this Thanksgiving Holiday weekend were so random and yet thought-provoking. I get depressed every once in a while when I feel as if I have nothing to do with my life (I have so much to do in my life, but I lack the energy or enthusiasm to do it). So the night of Thanksgiving where every weirdo, yes you, are out prepping for black Friday, I was trying go to sleep or at least summon a tear to loosen up the lump in my throat to cry tears I didn’t know I needed to release. So, I find my favorite YouTube concert of Mumford and Sons (Lollapollaza 2013) and get out my rarely used paint set and set out to get out my emotions. I got a few tears from it and some artsy stuff as well. It was nice. It reminded me of what I was like when I was a kid and I would feel the same way. There wasn’t anyone that I felt I should bother with my thoughts, so getting it out on paper was where I went. Social media took over that method and I lost a bit of my imagination. It was nice to be able to do something that simple just to feel a little bit.
Afterwards, I was tired and ready to get some shuteye and went straight to sleep. I felt proud of my work, but It was time to sleep away those negative thoughts and not think of anything. It was times like that I am glad I didn’t have any dreams. Dreams can get a persons hopes up you know.
Have you ever felt as if you are the only one in the world. It is as if no one is there. I have (or I used to, before I pushed everyone away) friends. Nowadays, I have become a hermit. A loser. I just find it awkward to have people around me. Starting conversations and trying to seem interesting or even interested. I’m not. I am bored and insecure. Insecure that people are genuinely interesting in what I have to say. I have ideas about going out, but boredom and fear wins out. It’s like I really and a contradiction of myself ( I want, but I won’t).
The way I have treated people makes me sick, it really does. I have pushed people away, due to my inability to deal with the fact that they are popular and more outgoing. My maturity level has gone down, along with the fun.
A change has to happen…
I just don’t know where to start or how. How do I start going out more. I have no friends. The friends I do have , have varying interests. What can I do?
Do what they want. Stop being so selfish and enjoy the ideas thrown out. A great idea, that I hope to follow one day.
Maybe this loneliness and lack of an inner circle will go away.
I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything right now.
My heart felt like it had been wrung dry. I did know I could feel this way. Alone. I am ok with myself alone, but my thoughts immediately run to my future and I realize that a part of me wants to have a secure family life. I want what everybody has. It scares me.
I got my hope up liking men that have no interest in me. It’s not their fault. I am just not their type. It could be the obvious: looks, wierdness, loser status or that they feel no connection. I am learning day by day on how to be happy alone or at least tolerate it, but I am only human and I can’t help feeling depressed.
I am proud of my accomplishments. Just want to share them with someone. Not family. Not best friends. Someone who is there for me beyond that level. A learning curve til I fully pass in being alone.