Gonna try and get myself to at least live peacefully. All I can do is wait and hope and pray for everything to be all right. If you are wondering why this again is post that seems down, it’s because my mom is currently in the hospital as I write. She isn’t in good shape, but her fighting spirit is admirable. When everyone (including me) are starting to have doubts, she fights through. I have never been more proud of her then I am right now.
So I want to invoke a peaceful mindset. Since I tend to stress easily, which in turn stresses her out, I want to go into the situation that is stressful with a peaceful heart and mind.
Not one for being super religious, praying has really come in and saved me when I felt like no one was there listening (Family, doctors, friends). It felt like I was doing everything and I was doing it wrong. I can’t say I have had any enlightening, it takes me forever to really understand what is in front of me, until it’s to late. Just having that option available to me really did help, even if it was only passing feeling.
Blogmas is usually something that people do to recap their holiday and it’s weird that I am recapping one of suckeist holidays I have ever had. I want to remember. I want to remember the low feeling. I want to remember that mother was in so much pain that she cried until they gave her pain meds. I want to remember that my family only came to see my mother because they thought she was nearing the end. I want to remember that I showed my true colors in regards to how I felt towards my family, that although I was thankful having them there, I knew I wouldn’t have a close relationship with them. I want to recap it all. Maybe in the future It will be a memory that can be erased with better holiday memories and a lighter feeling.
I really am hoping for a good holiday…I just don’t know when that will be.
So far this year is starting off well. I wanted to have an optimistic view of the world and take on a word that would help me with that. Order. I chose this word, due to my constant stress over my life and how I can barely manage with everything that is going on.
I work two jobs
Still building up skills to get a new job
Actively participating with book reviews – Have no time to write them
Lack of me time
Lack of social time
Simple areas of my life just seem to complicated. So I want Order. Having order will set boundaries in how I manage my life. It’s not gonna be go go go. It can be taking one step at a time and really enjoying what life has to offer. Strict isn’t easy for me, but I think in this case discipline is what I need this year. First order of business was my finances. I set up a wordpress site called shewasdebtful.wordpress.com to account for my budget, debt repayment, and any other areas that concern my finances. It’s a way to hold my thoughts and stress over the entire ordeal. So far, it’s nice just to get my thoughts out. Future posts will be less whiny though. It is so not gonna be a 2.0 version of this blog. Ha. Next, health. I have been having health issues ever since I stopped working out. They have gotten better except for the injury to my foot, but I have the number to the podiatrist and will be calling when I have time. My dental work will also be of concern and I will be working on that. This year will be expensive, but worth the headache in regards to the dentist. I will be focusing on my fitness. This will be the tricky part. I ended my gym membership, because I had no interest in going and I didn’t have time to go when I had it. Now I do, but the thought of shelling out the money for it, makes me cringe. So I have to buckle down and workout at home or by my neighborhood. My area isn’t so safe though, so possibly just working out around work. These are just steps…it’s 11 months until the new year and I am embarking on a lifestyle change. So it’s not gonna happen over night. Getting over years of procrastination and laziness isn’t easy. Gotta bear it and work through it.
Day 28 of 365
At what? A job interview. It was horrible. I just knew I failed after the first question. It was horrible. Now I have one last application and I am done for the year or just plain done. Who said I was even meant to be a librarian.
Song of the moment : Downtown by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (Feat. Eric Nally)
My mind wanders and races when I have energy. I can’t think or hold a single thought and my motivation goes strong, but can’t stay on a single topic at that moment. Makes for a tiresome day. I have so many things I want to do. Now. At this moment. Just can’t stay focused.
Focus. My main issue. I always thought it was procrastination, but it’s focus. If I am given a task and I can actively focus, I can power through procrastination. Today, that’s a huge challenge.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Probably wasn’t a good idea to listen to upbeat music at the moment. Too wired to sit still. As I type, I am fidgeting and shaking in my chair.
Nope…it’s the Mocha Frappe.
No. I was like this before that. Just wired. Mind is wandering and I can’t think or focus. Gonna read a BWWM novel and try and get back in the game.
Try. Try. Try….
Should I take a part time job pay cut? Not the kind of question you ask or hear about from people. Especially from me. Money is money, but not when you are exhausted working a full time job and starting to have health issues. I work the part time job making 9 bucks an hour. Not bad. Not gonna complain about, I was fortunate enough to get a good evaluation and have only been there for 4 months at the time. Now it’s six. The only issue is the staffing or lack thereof and management. The way the place is run is stressful and the staffing issues are mind boggling. They either have to many people on slow days or not enough on busy days. I know this by the hours posted, but I’ll move on to the question on hand.
I decided to keep working the extra job to build up my emergency stash again after putting 75% of it towards my debt. It was painful but worth it. It was my own fault waiting so long. With this extra job, I will drop my hours at my current job between 5 to 6, haven’t decided yet. The great news or so I thought was getting an interview at a department store that would work with the holidays. Better discounts and it’s close to home, the only issue is going back to the original pay I was working with.
My main issue is that I can stay with my current PT, but they may not allow me to cut back my hours since we don’t have that many people to cover that anyway. or go to a position that pays less…
In the long run, I am almost finished with my debt and have done the math that if need be I can save money with that. It will take me a minute, but I’ve been patient all year anyway.
It was a dumb question.
“When you have debt, it feels like a monster sitting on your back with its claws digging into your shoulders. The weight is added to everything you do: it feels heavy at work, because you know all you earn is just going towards it, and it feels heavy when you’re out spending with friends, because you think you could be putting that extra money towards your debt. There’s always blood running down your back. There’s always a dull sting.” Money After Graduation
Oh.My.Gah. I am not so innocent in my debt. I used push away the blame and completely forget that I am the reason I am here. I saw one of credit card statements and my jaw hit the floor. What the heck was I spending at Target? Why did I have constant balances. The only time I didn’t have one was when I had the card for the first year. Then it became my crutch. I wanna live fast and free and buy all of my stuff and pay it off month by month. I never said I was bright. At all. Then, ha, here is the kicker, when I was maxed out on one card I got another! Right! How FUCKING stupid was that! I didn’t have an emergency fund and I had accrued my max debt on my credit cards. Yep and I wonder why I am so broke. Ohmygoshhhhhhhhh….. This drives me insane. I wasn’t taught this, but I still should have informed my self. Since I am oh so independent. Honestly, I get aggravated when I read some of these personal finance blogs with statements like ‘How I got rid of my 30,000 dollar debt in 6 months’ or ‘I retired by the time I was 30’. Well pooh pooh on you. Is this jealously I feel, probably, I won’t fully admit though. I will tell you what, they had motivation and drive and a better handle on money. Me, I plan and plan and let passing fancy deter me from my goal. To be debt free before thirty. Well, I am 27 and I will be with debt (except student loans) by the time I’m thirty. So, I will basically still be in debt.
We push and push and push ourselves to live the lives we were promised from our society and televison. I wanted the life that some of these tv shows had. Vacationing every summer out of town. Owning my own house. Being able to go and see my family for the holidays. Using my hard earned cash for what I want. I am so close.
CC – Paid Off July 2015
CC 2 – Goal Pay off by September
Car – Goal Pay off by end of 2016
Student Loan – Don’t even want to think about it (Goal pay off before I am 32, so 5 years)
These are not lofty aspirations, I can do it. I just have to start.
I don’t know how to do it.
Be productive and depressed at the same time. It’s like taking on another job again. It came without even a hint of notice (annoying really) and now I have to learn how to be productive while dealing with this sadness. Can’t even write right now.