I don’t want to settle…
I want to be happy in life. That is why I am trying to find a job that can possibly become a career. That is why I fully deleted my one and only ex-boyfriend from my e-mail, MySpace, Facebook, and phone. I want to go to school for a master’s program that actually means something to me, not based on money, but on actually catching my attention.
I had a crying jag today after watching ‘If you really knew me’ a wonderful show on MTV ( the only good show besides ‘True Life’). The stories these kids were confiding got to me; explaining to everyone that they too have problems. It made me feel as if I could relate to them some how, even though I can’t relate to anyone.
So…I started to feel depressed and pathetic about my life. I have said before that I know that I am lucky to have all that I have, but I really look at my life and nothing interesting is happening. I wake up go to work, get ready for school and come home. I repeat this cycle everyday: wake up, go to work, plan for school, ect…
I start to feel that I know what I want in life, then something brings me down and I don’t care if that makes me whiner. I just want to have a nice, full life. I don’t have that.
I am in the process of getting a job (Have to wait until the 30th of August for medical evaluation) and getting ready for school to start. That should keep me busy, but I am still behind on the personal life. I don’t want to settle for a guy that I have little interest in. I did that before…I was the only one who ended up hurt. I don’t want to do that.
So I have decided that I would try a few things to help out getting out more and meeting people. Not just for dating, but for friendship. I am starting to notice that I tend to keep people at arms length. I don’t want to get close to people, because they tend to leave. I want to meet people that I can be myself with, not feel as if I have to put up a front about it, just be me.
This is going to be hard…but I want to make a change. I am 22 and I don’t want to be a spinster. I know I am not the only girl to feel alone and all, but I am going to change that. Being depressed about this gets old pretty quick. So I have decided to make a list of things to do before 25, this way it makes me get out and be active. SCARY~~
List of things to do before 25:
1) Ask a Man on a date ( I don’t need a boy lol)
2) Learn to drive a race car (I will have to learn how to drive fast first…this one will take some time)( I need to get my license first, as well as learn to drive)
3) Look for my Father’s Grave and visit them ( Both my Step-dad and Birth father)
4) Graduate with a Masters
5) Go on a cruise
6) Help build a house (Entirely)
7) Do an acting gig of some kind (I want to be famous baby!)
8) Hold my head high when dealing with someone intimidating for longer than five minutes
9) Stop saying sorry for things I am not sorry about ( This is going to be hard, I am usually sorry about a lot of stuff that I do)
10) Get a Career (see that I did not say job, a career is something you love)
11) Dress sexy for a night on the town for a whole week (Not slutty and not during school, I am easily distracted)
12) Be comfortable in my body to wear a bathing suit (Yea…we’ll see)
13) Go rock climbing to the highest point at Red Rock
14) Pet a Snake for longer than a minute
15) Confront my past (Please don’t ask)
16) Find my sister and talk some sense into her
17) Start a successful business (It will be small)
18) Don’t back down (from bullies, hard tasks, and truths)
19) Make my own decisions (not constantly asking my mother what to do or basing my decisions on what everyone thinks) (No more being a people pleaser)
20) Be Happy ( I am happy 50 percent of the time, I just seldom smile…it’s hard)
21) Work for a charity
22) Run a Marathon
This list is long, but you know what I think I can complete it in four years, as well as add more. This post is really for me to vent out what I want to do in my life and how I want to make a difference in MY life. I am sick of looking in the mirror feeling as if I have nothing. I need to stop being so lazy and selfish and just get off my ASS and do SOMETHING! I probably don’t need a list to do that, but it’s kind of motivating…next is to get started on that list.