A life update

I haven’t been on here in three months. Might have guessed that something major happened and you would be correct. My mom succumbed to Cancer January 13, 2017 at 5:15 am.

To say it was a blow was an understatement. It’s been hard and I have had to deal with the loss everyday and yet it still doesn’t feel real. I still feel like she is waiting at home for me. Never thought I would be moving out on my own or talking to myself as if she would be answering me back. Loneliness and guilt weighing on me as I deal with the knowledge that she isn’t here.

Numbness and sadness come in droves. It hits me softly that she isn’t here. I can laugh. Smile. Cry. Get Angry, but it still doesn’t feel like I am all the way here. Reading articles o handling grief is just a waste of time for me. I grieve in a different way than everyone else and I am okay with that. Now? I am just going with the flow. Learning to live on my own and to okay with my new life. In time I will officially leave Las Vegas. It’s just not home for me. Without mom I feel like a lost child wandering the big city.

I don’t want it.

I breathe. Everyday I take a breath and I keep going. She would make sure I did that. That’s moms do and now I am doing that. On my own.