First week of the year

Here at it again 2016. Wait, I mean 2017. It doesn’t any difference really. On Wednesday I had to send my mom back to the emergency room since she was starting to throw up. It was all supposed to be drainage of fluid. Since her liver is continuing to fail, it’s no longer able to process stuff like it’s supposed to. This is why she accumalates fluid in the stomach. She got all of that done and she was fine. The next time I talk to her, she starts saying people are after her and the hosiptal is locked down. Of course I start to get nervous and well scared. I call the nurse station in the ER and they are all calm. My assumption is that they are all just used it. So when I head down to the hospital, besides the place just being plain busy, it looks fine.

It wasn’t. Well she wasn’t.Ā Hepatic encephalitic. “The loss of brain function when a damaged liver doesn’t remove toxins from the blood.” It doesn’t take that long for me to google her symptoms of her paranoia to understand that she isn’t getting better. Her vitals are fine, but her mental state isn’t. The entire night I spent calming her down to let her know that she wouldn’t be in trouble with “Them”. Trying to calm her down to let her know that I was fine and nothing would happen to me. My mom. A woman who took on scary things and even put herself in danger had changed into the child now. And not a child that could take care of themselves, but a child who was lost in the world.

The entire situation allowed me to take a step back and as much as it hurts, I knew that it was true. My mom was slowly leaving me. Even though she was fighting with every being in her body, her body was fighting everything to try and function on whatever is left of her. How can I help her? How can I make sure she is taken care of? What do I do now?

Whenever I see people online talking about a parent or a close relative that was sick, I kept wondering how they did it. In my mind I thought my mom would be with me forever or until I was older and more knowledgeable of life. At the very least I would have a significant beside me. That was never to be. I wonder what she’s thinking and I wonder if she ever recorded her thoughts for me.

So many regrets and it’s only going to get harder. It’s the reason why my word for 2017 is Sh*t. I regret that too. My word for 2017 will be strength. From there Hope. Going from that Growth. And finally love and Family.

My relationship with my mother isn’t perfect, but she became my best friend. Someone I could confide in and vent to. A woman I looked up to for everything she has ever done and gave to me. Loved me when I didn’t love myself. She gave me strength when I didn’t have it. My biggest fan. She’s is my everything. Because her I think I can actually love someone if I really give it a chance. I smile bright because of her. I laugh and I don’t take things as serious as I usually do. I’m so thankful for her. If I am ever to be reincarnated, I hope to be her daughter again and I hope she will be my mother.

If I could have my way I would ask God to give her a miracle to beat this paranoia and the liver failure and kidney malfunction. She still has a lot to do.

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