Gonna try and get myself to at least live peacefully. All I can do is wait and hope and pray for everything to be all right. If you are wondering why this again is post that seems down, it’s because my mom is currently in the hospital as I write. She isn’t in good shape, but her fighting spirit is admirable. When everyone (including me) are starting to have doubts, she fights through. I have never been more proud of her then I am right now.
So I want to invoke a peaceful mindset. Since I tend to stress easily, which in turn stresses her out, I want to go into the situation that is stressful with a peaceful heart and mind.
Not one for being super religious, praying has really come in and saved me when I felt like no one was there listening (Family, doctors, friends). It felt like I was doing everything and I was doing it wrong. I can’t say I have had any enlightening, it takes me forever to really understand what is in front of me, until it’s to late. Just having that option available to me really did help, even if it was only passing feeling.
Blogmas is usually something that people do to recap their holiday and it’s weird that I am recapping one of suckeist holidays I have ever had. I want to remember. I want to remember the low feeling. I want to remember that mother was in so much pain that she cried until they gave her pain meds. I want to remember that my family only came to see my mother because they thought she was nearing the end. I want to remember that I showed my true colors in regards to how I felt towards my family, that although I was thankful having them there, I knew I wouldn’t have a close relationship with them. I want to recap it all. Maybe in the future It will be a memory that can be erased with better holiday memories and a lighter feeling.
I really am hoping for a good holiday…I just don’t know when that will be.