I remember watching a comedy show from Dane Cook. I forget which show it was from, but it was for brain ninjas. It resonated with me because I have been getting a lot of brain ninjas; where a past discussion or comment made comes back to finally settle in my brain. I actually see what someone or something actually meant. To clarify, I have been doing some reflection on life and some of the decisions I have made. Not all good and not all bad. Some embarrassing and just sad. Actually majority of them. Thinking on it, I realize that I haven’t really taken my mom’s early advice from when I was a child to heart at all since I became an adult. As soon I turned 18, the real Markita came out and the bitch came out to play. Believe me, she showed her true colors through out her early days, but she had a mother who kept it in check. Now she doesn’t have that.
I have no idea why I writing in third person.
Anyway, I am not proud of myself when I look back. It seems I have been making poor decisions my entire adult life and people have been noting that. I no longer get the comments of “Great job” and “That’s smart” (Not like anyone would say it that way), it’s more of second guess from people. They no longer trust my judgement. Not that I blame them. I sit on my high horse and judge people, knowing full well that I am a hypocrite. Finances. Love and dating. Career. School. Life. Those all have poor choices in them that I have made.
Awakening. The enlightenment that I have pushed and pulled to have is humbling. However, I worry that I won’t remember these thoughts that I have. You see, I don’t have the greatest memory. It’s like my brain has decided to stop working. Remembering why I write these thoughts to understand why I have these feelings of despair and discern. Maybe if my brain worked better, I would make better choices.