Friends with benefits, so not me

Is it wrong to start living dangerously? Or even a bit on the wild side?

No.

I have recently started embracing my sexual side. Not in a overtly way, but more subtle. However, it is not going as planned.

Feelings of guilt and pride are getting in the way of what, in my opinion, have been done to me.

Recently an ex-boyfriend…who am I kidding my only boyfriend has come back into the picture. I don’t have any feelings for him, but I feel a desire or putting it plainly a need for his…well man bits. I don’t feel shame for it. It is apart of nature. However, I do feel guilty, well now I do. I shamelessly used him last night and subtly (not really) kicked him out. Looking back on this, it was a childish thing to do. I get it! I am hurting him for the multiple times he has used me, but in my opinion and you all are going to roll your eyes, we didn’t have sex.

We haven’t in over a year. That still doesn’t excuse my behavior. So I apologized.

I can’t be one of those girls that leads someone on or even does the friends with benefits knowingly. I have had to nip in the bud with him before, even when we both got what we wanted. But during those times it was implicitly known and agreed upon.

He has changed for the better. Matured. Self-assured. Caring.

I , on the other hand, have gone back to the college days that I never really got have. Which is stupid.

So I am going to go back to my mature and smart self and make better decisions. Just because I don’t want to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean I have to drag someone along for the ride of my own destruction.

Living free is great, but in my case, a friend with benefit will just be a friend that I hang out with as a friend.

 

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