I feel some of those words define me. Yet I don’t know who I am. I keep looking at the sad reality that my social circle has dwindled down even further than what it was before, to a barely forming 2 people. Even that has gone down.
I mainly hangout with my mother. Sad.
My coworker pointed out that I am painfully shy. I don’t agree, I just think I am shy…picky about who I speak with.
Ok, maybe she’s right. I can talk to passengers with no problem. I’m getting paid for it, but if I have to talk to someone outside of work, that is another story. I have a hard time sticking with the conversation. I either feel stupid about the topic, bored with the topic, or intimidated by the topic and the person.
This goes back to the main reason I have a shy issue: self esteem. I noticed that when I am surrounded by people who really actually care about what it is I have to say, I blossomed. I think this is why in college and high school, during certain times, I flourished.
Now, not so much. I am slowly making things happen. Did several 5ks(working to 10k), saving money (trying, failing), planning my future(deadline is to purchase a house before 30), hopefully receive a scholarship.
See I am really trying. Now I just need to work on meeting new people. Conquer my fear of driving. Travel for a vacation(when I have money).
Who doesn’t want to be surrounded by a group of people who don’t judge you, who cares about you, people who genuinely want to be with you?
I want that.
A sidenote about me. I tend to give up easily on friendships. I know, I know, why am whinning about not having any. I feel that if I can’t relate to them, why bother. Also, I feel uncomfortable. Meaning I can’t really talk to them. Its hard to convey my feelings. That’s what I feel towards Heather. We used to be close, but I just feel she and I have grown apart. I don’t feel the need to talk to her. Past incidents have occured that have justified that. I will have to get into that later.