Just breathe…

Remember to breathe through it. Every moment of my life I have had to struggle to breathe. I don’t respiratory problems, no, I have stress issues. I stress over everything that seems a bit out of the norm for me. Today I have simple day. Work and Work. Two jobs almost back to back and since it isn’t apart of my usual routine I am freaking out. No amount of breathing and reading motivational materials has worked as of yet.

So I have telling myself to breathe, relax, and sleep. Yep sleep. I haven’t been getting that a lot, which is another reason I am not doing very well. How do I implement my plan? So many questions in my head…wondering how people manage to balance everything.

Breathe….in…out…in…out (Repeat forever)

It’s hard to face the reality I havea second job, abiet a part time job, but a job nonetheless. So I decided I need to give myself an incentive. Looking at it from the perspective from when I was a graduate student completing my e-portfolio, filling up the pie chart gave me some serious satisfaction. It was great. Sadly it wasn’t the thought of receiving the diploma that motivated me, it was the end of the rainbow, my trip to New Orleans. That trip sucked ass, but it didn’t suck in my mind before I went. My debt reduction plan and savings plan needs the motivation, it needs the incentive that I can complete this job in a specified time and reach the goals I have set and I need to stick with it. Creating a pie chart seems the way to do it. Actually, re-creating my entire e-portfolio plan but for finances seems the right way to go.

A pie chart, a excel spreadsheet of each goal (with amount), and the incentives listed I think will help in getting me to where I need. Now it does require a bit of restraint. Recently my thought process strayed too “I’m an adult, I shouldn’t need any incentives” then I remembered I hated waiting and I don’t like surprises. Welp, gonna suck it up and get back to basics. Just do it. Hopefully, this plan works in the allotted time I have given myself. There are plenty of men and women who are doing the exact same thing as me.

When faced with a difficult road ahead, having a positive attitude and looking for the bright light ahead seems to be the only good thought going through my head. Positivity. Positive that this will all work out.

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You’ve got those loving feelings…not

Resentment: the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

Envy: a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.

These two words describe my feelings today and I am embarrassed by it, yet I relish in it. It’s wierd how two things that are seen as sins are helping me in my motivation. I know that I shouldn’t be jealous of someone elses success, but I am. In the end I am the one who needs to step up her game and stick to what I need to do. It just sucks how it all goes down. These feelings…these shitty feelings. A person can say they work as hard as someone else and it be the EXACT opposite of truth.

Honesty here: I know I can be lazy and put things off. I have “Potential”. The girl who is smart and can “make it”. When in reality, my favorite past time is sleeping and I love to joke around. That doesn’t get me a new job or a pay raise now does it.

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I need to get my priorities straight and pronto, because the envy and green that I saw was scary and it was just disconcerting to know I had those feelings. Joy and happiness are what I should be feeling for others and their success. Not resentment and envy.

So now what…

So I got the part time job. Woooo.

Do I seem excited, no, that’s because I am nervous as hell! My plan of action is happening. I set out to get a part time job so I can pay down debt and build my emergency fund. Now that it is happening, it is overwhelming. I don’t want to become super busy with work, but I have goals and I want to see it come to fruition.

My plan is to pay off my credit card debt (By July 2015), build my emergency fund (Covering six months worth of expenses by March 2016), pay off my car, and eventually start paying more on my student loans. If that can be done in a year and six months, I’m happy with it.

Still, the schedule is going to be intimidating to me. I believe in myself and I know that I want to accomplish getting out of debt. I just have to breathe and pace myself. It doesn’t have to be done in a year, it can be done in five. Just have to remember that.

The habit of a debt ridden 26 year old.

Constantly I am asking myself why am I in debt. I already know the answer. School, frivolous spending, and lack of accountability. I wasn’t smart with how I handle my money situations. I ignored it or blamed other outliers. Not the smartest and adult thing to do, yet I did. Now, I am 26, about to turn 27 and I am in debt with over 50k in student loan debt, plus my car loan, and credit card debt. This isn’t what I had planned. I had plans to get out of debt fast and quick. The student loans I knew was going to be heavy. My undergraduate and graduate degree are both apart of it. I am actually one of the few that could put two degrees on one loan,but I digress. I don’t want it. So I started a plan, a goal, a get out of debt goal. I have been up and down on it for months. I came up with spreadsheets and I have even started on the entire plan, but old habits die hard. My debit card is my go to and cash doesn’t hinder me. Honestly, even though I know I need to save every penny I see extra money and it’s gone. So that money could have been put to something else, instead I by stupid “necessities” that could have waited. Every little penny counts. So, now I owe myself money. Yep. That’s what I gone down to. IOU’s

As an adult, as a person, I know that I’ve got to make changes in my life…got to start somewhere though. I’ve started with my money. I am hoping that if I am able to get a part time job, I can at least knock off at least 6k for 2015. Let’s hope folks.

My self realization moment.

So after much reflection, I have realized I am not a great as I thought I was. To be honest, I suck. I was thinking about how I interact with others and the amount of weird and childish antics i put out is ASTOUNDING. I mean, I cross my arms a lot and I refer conversations back to me about what I’VE been through and it is seriously sad. I keep harping about how I need to know myself and all that BS and well it ain’t so pretty. Now I want to make a difference, but how do you move forward from a self realization like I just made.

I DON’T KNOW! I really don’t. This year is about living with intention and grace. My two words of the year. They are great and I support them in my life wholeheartedly. I just need to understand what I should do to start changing. So far, I have started to listen more and stop offering half ass advice and just listen…listening to what the person says the first time around, instead of having the Oh shit! That wasn’t really good advice later on. Live. Live life and accept the past and move forward. Moving on sounds so weird, like “Oh Hey! I don’t care anymore. Not even gonna acknowledge it”. Moving forwards seems like I am acknowledging it and I am going to more forward to not make the same mistake.

It’s not that bad when I think about it. My life could have been suckier if I actually did half of what I wanted to do in my life, but I am glad that my voice of reason has gotten stronger and wiser and less stupid. So, I am gonna move forward. Add that to the list of life goals. Accept the past and move forward. Yes, shit happened. You can dwell on it or do something about. I chose to do something about it and I better FUCKING do it!!!

P.S. Today seemed like a good day to curse. I had so much frustration, saying fiddle diddle didn’t seem like the greatest idea.

This book has been my little journal for the year and I can't wait to keep feeling it with my thoughts.

Memo: Thoughts of this blog

It usually takes me a while to gather my thoughts and to see where it is I am before writing a blog post. With tons of resources at my disposal (Writing prompts from pinterest and bloglovin) I should be able to pin something down. Get my thoughts out in a coherent light…not really. My moods have been up and down as per usual and I have been feeling as if i am going through the motions for weeks. Trying to get something in my life that pushes me and drives me to feel passionate again. If I ever felt passionate about something, I can’t remember.

What’s it like? I often ask myself this question. Then I sit back and tell myself. relax and stop stressing about everything. Just sit and not think.
Easier said then done. Thoughts are constantly running of things I need to do, should do, could do, just do.

So when it came to this post, I reflected back on one of my favorite posts from 2014 (it wasn’t even written in 2014..I think, whatever) and it discussed how writing in blogs and journals have changed. Everyone is looking for an audience to make a profit to add to their list of accomplishments, which leads to the I need a reason to write, when it should be I have thoughts and I need to get them down on paper. Yes, you can have a them. Totally! But writing should be something you enjoy, not a job. My thoughts right now are that I had a sleepless night and woke up renewed. I watched some tv in the morning, had a good laugh. Ate some breakfast. Didn’t rush to work and I made sure I looked around myself. Up. Down. around. Everywhere. Didn’t even acknowledge my email before setting out to do my work. (That crap actually works, ignoring the mundane emails…who knew!). I want to enjoy life. It’s the 14th of January of 2015 already! The 14th. I can barely even believe that I am in 2015 (Just waiting for Marty McFly with the rest of them). I want to cherish it all. I want to savor it like the last bit piece of chocolate truffle. It should last and these thoughts will keep on coming and going until they nothing.

I am getting philosophical here. So I will stop. The point of this post was that I have had plenty of ideas for writing, I just haven’t felt like blogging since they felt mundane and uninteresting compared to others. That’s not what this blog is about. I have thoughts and they will be written and entertain me in the future. I know I will regret it if I doubt. I am the audience of this blog.