My self realization moment.

So after much reflection, I have realized I am not a great as I thought I was. To be honest, I suck. I was thinking about how I interact with others and the amount of weird and childish antics i put out is ASTOUNDING. I mean, I cross my arms a lot and I refer conversations back to me about what I’VE been through and it is seriously sad. I keep harping about how I need to know myself and all that BS and well it ain’t so pretty. Now I want to make a difference, but how do you move forward from a self realization like I just made.

I DON’T KNOW! I really don’t. This year is about living with intention and grace. My two words of the year. They are great and I support them in my life wholeheartedly. I just need to understand what I should do to start changing. So far, I have started to listen more and stop offering half ass advice and just listen…listening to what the person says the first time around, instead of having the Oh shit! That wasn’t really good advice later on. Live. Live life and accept the past and move forward. Moving on sounds so weird, like “Oh Hey! I don’t care anymore. Not even gonna acknowledge it”. Moving forwards seems like I am acknowledging it and I am going to more forward to not make the same mistake.

It’s not that bad when I think about it. My life could have been suckier if I actually did half of what I wanted to do in my life, but I am glad that my voice of reason has gotten stronger and wiser and less stupid. So, I am gonna move forward. Add that to the list of life goals. Accept the past and move forward. Yes, shit happened. You can dwell on it or do something about. I chose to do something about it and I better FUCKING do it!!!

P.S. Today seemed like a good day to curse. I had so much frustration, saying fiddle diddle didn’t seem like the greatest idea.

This book has been my little journal for the year and I can't wait to keep feeling it with my thoughts.

Memo: Thoughts of this blog

It usually takes me a while to gather my thoughts and to see where it is I am before writing a blog post. With tons of resources at my disposal (Writing prompts from pinterest and bloglovin) I should be able to pin something down. Get my thoughts out in a coherent light…not really. My moods have been up and down as per usual and I have been feeling as if i am going through the motions for weeks. Trying to get something in my life that pushes me and drives me to feel passionate again. If I ever felt passionate about something, I can’t remember.

What’s it like? I often ask myself this question. Then I sit back and tell myself. relax and stop stressing about everything. Just sit and not think.
Easier said then done. Thoughts are constantly running of things I need to do, should do, could do, just do.

So when it came to this post, I reflected back on one of my favorite posts from 2014 (it wasn’t even written in 2014..I think, whatever) and it discussed how writing in blogs and journals have changed. Everyone is looking for an audience to make a profit to add to their list of accomplishments, which leads to the I need a reason to write, when it should be I have thoughts and I need to get them down on paper. Yes, you can have a them. Totally! But writing should be something you enjoy, not a job. My thoughts right now are that I had a sleepless night and woke up renewed. I watched some tv in the morning, had a good laugh. Ate some breakfast. Didn’t rush to work and I made sure I looked around myself. Up. Down. around. Everywhere. Didn’t even acknowledge my email before setting out to do my work. (That crap actually works, ignoring the mundane emails…who knew!). I want to enjoy life. It’s the 14th of January of 2015 already! The 14th. I can barely even believe that I am in 2015 (Just waiting for Marty McFly with the rest of them). I want to cherish it all. I want to savor it like the last bit piece of chocolate truffle. It should last and these thoughts will keep on coming and going until they nothing.

I am getting philosophical here. So I will stop. The point of this post was that I have had plenty of ideas for writing, I just haven’t felt like blogging since they felt mundane and uninteresting compared to others. That’s not what this blog is about. I have thoughts and they will be written and entertain me in the future. I know I will regret it if I doubt. I am the audience of this blog.

I get it…New Year. Resolutions. 2015 Here we go!

This year and the past few years actually, I have not done a full New Years Resolution list. Really, I feel that if you want to improve ones life, they shouldn’t need a resolution to do it or to even start it. As for me it is a great boost since there are so many challenges out this year. Fitness and Finance challenges are my thing this year. Resolutions have been for people a motivator to get moving, but for those of realist and idealistic folks we know that, that motivator can only get you so far. This applies to the challenges as well.

After reading blog after blog after blog, I noticed a trend. Resolutions are being pushed out like last years fad. It’s a way to give ourselves a kick without having a word associated with it. This is my going to be what I will be doing for the year. Living without a resolution. Instead I am going to dedicate myself to live. Live life instead of just going through the motions. Excuses that have hindered me from living a good life that I have wished, hoped, and dreamed about, even envied others about.

Intention: I am going to live with intention. If I say I am going to do something, I am going to do it. I won’t give myself a timeline or even a deadline, since that feels like a resolution, but I will remind myself that I said I would do it. That will be the kicker. For example, I want to get my nose pierced. I’m not scared, more nervous about what it will look like and how much it will cost, but I know I will get it done. Financially I have it planned for April, but I digress. I am going to do it!

Grace: I have seen myself go from graceful, classy, and a young lady to a bitter, bitchy, and catty woman. That isn’t how I want to live my life. When I was in high school, I always looked up to people from the south. They had dignity and pride and always seemed wise beyond their years. So it was nice to get compliments that I had a southern mentality. Yes, I know some southerners are a bit much, but I will take what I can get. Still it was nice to have that. Grace is how I see myself. A lady who takes pride in herself, makes an effort to be kind to others, and goes about the world with optimism and class.

And I can do that with a nose piercing!

*** I have been working on this post for a few days now, so bear with me.***

The fitness resolutions are HUGE after the start of the new year. WE all want to look good and lose that weight from last year. Hell the amount of resolutions made by people are primarily about fitness. In my case its more about sticking with it. That can’t be a resolution for me. It should just be a lifestyle that I live.

Living with intention. Completing what I said I would do. Getting fit. Sorting out my finances and sticking with a budget. Getting out more socially. Loving myself for who I am. Learning about myself. Trying new things. STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS. Getting help when I truly need it.

You don’t need a resolution to make a change. Change because you want to and just do it.


Book Review: Ruby Red Kerstin Gier ( Ruby Red Trilogy)

Title: Ruby Red
Author: Kerstin Gier
Publisher: Henry Holt Publication Date: 2011
Genre: Historical Fiction, Paranormal, Mystery, Fantasy, Science Fiction – Time Travel, Young Adult
Rating: 3/5 stars

Plot Synopsis (Provided by Goodreads):
Gwyneth Shepherd’s sophisticated, beautiful cousin Charlotte has been prepared her entire life for traveling through time. But unexpectedly, it is Gwyneth, who in the middle of class takes a sudden spin to a different era!

Gwyneth must now unearth the mystery of why her mother would lie about her birth date to ward off suspicion about her ability, brush up on her history, and work with Gideon–the time traveler from a similarly gifted family that passes the gene through its male line, and whose presence becomes, in time, less insufferable and more essential. Together, Gwyneth and Gideon journey through time to discover who, in the 18th century and in contemporary London, they can trust.

My Thoughts:
So, when I first heard of this book, it was through several book tube reviews and I immediately wanted to read thanks to the beautiful cover and the rave reviews it got. The story takes place in modern day England following the life of Gwyneth Shepherd and her affluent family. Gwyn leads a normal life, despite some small differences: She can see ghosts and she is related to a time traveler. This isn’t really a spoiler, since the synopsis gives it away, but truths and lies are discovered and Gwyns normal life is no more and now she is thrust into the world of time traveling and looking to understand what years of training her cousin had in only a few weeks.

When I first started the audiobook, I was impressed with the story and was riveted by Gwyns time travel journey, but some of these situations in my opinion could have been avoided. The lies that went with hiding who Gwyn was, showed ignorance and basically set her up to fail with wishes and hopes for her to NOT get the time traveling gene. This basically irritated me after the revelation was made to the committee. It was one of the reasons that I had a hard time enjoying the book. The redeeming quality of the book came with the secondary characters. Gwyns Aunt was a hoot and a half and kept the flow of the book going with humor and dramatics. It was a great addition that I would have missed if the author had taken her out of the book.The main reason why the book got a three out of five stars was the flow. Since the book was translated from German to English, I think that some of the words and phrases may not have been translated to correct meaning that the author intended. It hindered my reading of the book and it seemed a lot more juvenile than was other reviews said it to be. Which leads to my last discontent, the book was a different age group than I was used to. I believe she was 16, but she acted like she was 14. I could have the age wrong, but she still acted like a child sometimes, along with other characters her age.

The book was a nice read, but I doubt I would read it again and I am on the fence about finishing the series, but I do want to know how it ends. Time will tell.

Holiday Set Photos  (2 of 28) Blog Header

My Christmas Vacation

It was a surprisingly good Christmas. Not that I have had bad ones. The past few years, they have been full of amazing memories. It’s just that this Christmas seemed more practical. We accepted the gifts we got and gave the people we care about gifts that they would actually use. I am guilty of last minute shopping. My payday has always fallen around Christmas Eve. SO I have to trek to every single busy store and fall back on my savings. This time around,however, I planned and set a budget, thanks to cash only purchases. I was still wary of Target credit card hack, even though majority of the stores I went to had new credit card systems. Any who, it was awesome and I tried to document it as much as possible with my camera. It was great practice and it was nice to hang out with my mom while she was sick.

So here are a few photos that I snapped of the Christmas.

It was an amazing day and it was great to spend time with my family. I did get a bit depressed when we didn’t hear from my sister, but I caught a second wind to get things done and I am hoping that I can keep my spirits up for the rest of my break.

Until next time! I hope you all enjoy my little Christmas gallery and I hope you all had a wonderful holiday or just a regular day!

Memo: Choices

I remember watching a comedy show from Dane Cook. I forget which show it was from, but it was for brain ninjas. It resonated with me because I have been getting a lot of brain ninjas; where a past discussion or comment made comes back to finally settle in my brain. I actually see what someone or something actually meant. To clarify, I have been doing some reflection on life and some of the decisions I have made. Not all good and not all bad. Some embarrassing and just sad. Actually majority of them. Thinking on it, I realize that I haven’t really taken my mom’s early advice from when I was a child to heart at all since I became an adult. As soon I turned 18, the real Markita came out and the bitch came out to play. Believe me, she showed her true colors through out her early days, but she had a mother who kept it in check. Now she doesn’t have that.

I have no idea why I writing in third person.

Anyway, I am not proud of myself when I look back. It seems I have been making poor decisions my entire adult life and people have been noting that. I no longer get the comments of “Great job” and “That’s smart” (Not like anyone would say it that way), it’s more of second guess from people. They no longer trust my judgement. Not that I blame them. I sit on my high horse and judge people, knowing full well that I am a hypocrite. Finances. Love and dating. Career. School. Life. Those all have poor choices in them that I have made.

Awakening. The enlightenment that I have pushed and pulled to have is humbling. However, I worry that I won’t remember these thoughts that I have. You see, I don’t have the greatest memory. It’s like my brain has decided to stop working. Remembering why I write these thoughts to understand why I have these feelings of despair and discern. Maybe if my brain worked better, I would make better choices.