I haven’t been on here in three months. Might have guessed that something major happened and you would be correct. My mom succumbed to Cancer January 13, 2017 at 5:15 am.
To say it was a blow was an understatement. It’s been hard and I have had to deal with the loss everyday and yet it still doesn’t feel real. I still feel like she is waiting at home for me. Never thought I would be moving out on my own or talking to myself as if she would be answering me back. Loneliness and guilt weighing on me as I deal with the knowledge that she isn’t here.
Numbness and sadness come in droves. It hits me softly that she isn’t here. I can laugh. Smile. Cry. Get Angry, but it still doesn’t feel like I am all the way here. Reading articles o handling grief is just a waste of time for me. I grieve in a different way than everyone else and I am okay with that. Now? I am just going with the flow. Learning to live on my own and to okay with my new life. In time I will officially leave Las Vegas. It’s just not home for me. Without mom I feel like a lost child wandering the big city.
I don’t want it.
I breathe. Everyday I take a breath and I keep going. She would make sure I did that. That’s moms do and now I am doing that. On my own.
Here at it again 2016. Wait, I mean 2017. It doesn’t any difference really. On Wednesday I had to send my mom back to the emergency room since she was starting to throw up. It was all supposed to be drainage of fluid. Since her liver is continuing to fail, it’s no longer able to process stuff like it’s supposed to. This is why she accumalates fluid in the stomach. She got all of that done and she was fine. The next time I talk to her, she starts saying people are after her and the hosiptal is locked down. Of course I start to get nervous and well scared. I call the nurse station in the ER and they are all calm. My assumption is that they are all just used it. So when I head down to the hospital, besides the place just being plain busy, it looks fine.
It wasn’t. Well she wasn’t. Hepatic encephalitic. “The loss of brain function when a damaged liver doesn’t remove toxins from the blood.” It doesn’t take that long for me to google her symptoms of her paranoia to understand that she isn’t getting better. Her vitals are fine, but her mental state isn’t. The entire night I spent calming her down to let her know that she wouldn’t be in trouble with “Them”. Trying to calm her down to let her know that I was fine and nothing would happen to me. My mom. A woman who took on scary things and even put herself in danger had changed into the child now. And not a child that could take care of themselves, but a child who was lost in the world.
The entire situation allowed me to take a step back and as much as it hurts, I knew that it was true. My mom was slowly leaving me. Even though she was fighting with every being in her body, her body was fighting everything to try and function on whatever is left of her. How can I help her? How can I make sure she is taken care of? What do I do now?
Whenever I see people online talking about a parent or a close relative that was sick, I kept wondering how they did it. In my mind I thought my mom would be with me forever or until I was older and more knowledgeable of life. At the very least I would have a significant beside me. That was never to be. I wonder what she’s thinking and I wonder if she ever recorded her thoughts for me.
So many regrets and it’s only going to get harder. It’s the reason why my word for 2017 is Sh*t. I regret that too. My word for 2017 will be strength. From there Hope. Going from that Growth. And finally love and Family.
My relationship with my mother isn’t perfect, but she became my best friend. Someone I could confide in and vent to. A woman I looked up to for everything she has ever done and gave to me. Loved me when I didn’t love myself. She gave me strength when I didn’t have it. My biggest fan. She’s is my everything. Because her I think I can actually love someone if I really give it a chance. I smile bright because of her. I laugh and I don’t take things as serious as I usually do. I’m so thankful for her. If I am ever to be reincarnated, I hope to be her daughter again and I hope she will be my mother.
If I could have my way I would ask God to give her a miracle to beat this paranoia and the liver failure and kidney malfunction. She still has a lot to do.
Word for 2017: Sh*t
I mean come on that is an awesome word to stick it to this year. It’s not like I have the gift of foresight, I’m just being realistic and well how is 2017 gonna be different from 2016.
Now as someone who tends to look on the brighter side of things, it doesn’t make any sense to have that kind of negative in ones life. You never know when a miracle will hit. HOWEVER. A huge however, I am making Sh*t with a capital S my word of the year to go as follows:
Deal with Sh*t
Give a Sh*t and Don’t give a Sh*t
Take Sh*t head on and keep rolling with the punches
Look at life for what it is; Sh*t.
Look at life when it is Sh*t and still keep going.
I keep telling myself ‘Gurl…you’re almost 30! Stop being a baby and face life’. I honestly feel I am doing that. By keep my up and just getting through this year I am facing life. It’s gonna be a fucking shit of a year, but I am gonna come out on the other side. Knowing that it’s my own shitty mistake if I am sick, sad, and just well shit. Taking responsibility for it all, all the while, taking Sh*t and moving on from it.
Take what you must from this post, because I honestly don’t care.
OMG…I have seen what this year has done and I am beyond humbled. People around the world could not catch a break. It had to a shit year and I think it will continue that way. I even posted that sentiment on Facebook. The passive aggressive response I got were as followed:
If you focus on the negative any year will be a crappy year. How about we look back on our blessings for 2016?? I am tired of people moaning that 2016 sucked. If it truly did, then CHANGE something!!! Pray more. Exercise more. Find a new hobby. Move. Invest more in your relationships. Get a new out look on life. If people who are literally ON THEIR DEATH BED can find something beautiful to celebrate in every day life, I am sure all of us can.
This was just a bit irritating. Not that I have an issue with people ranting. It’s that people think that a persons thoughts that something sucked needs to get over themselves. That a quick fix is all you need to have a great year. IT Doesn’t Work Like That. It takes time and getting it out that the year sucked is, in my opinion, a good way to get out the negative and to start moving forward towards the positive.
Yes this year sucked, but I have to face 2017. I don’t have any resolutions or hopes or dreams. All I have is faith to keep moving forward. Facing everyday and basically go through life. That sucks. However, I am still going. 2016 was one of the shittiest years for a person, but look on the bright side, you will have some great years and some other shitty years coming up!
As we grow order, the shit will slowly become norm and we won’t be as bothered as we once were. I can’t wait for that honestly. My life was never meant to be great as others lives are. It was meant to be this way. It’s time I start living that way.
Depressing blog post of the year FTW.
Okay…gonna be honest and say I’ll try and be the brave happy little soldier.
I started a video diary. Real simple. Using my phone and uploading (unedited) it onto YouTube. It’s private, but it was cathartic. Talking to yourself can help, but talking to others (even in private and imaginative) is even better. Not looking to be the next big thing on YouTube. Honestly I was just looking at a way to document my struggle with everything. Currently, I am not doing it everyday. I forget. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get my words out. I just do it in different ways. Like this site. This site was originally supposed to be a complaining blog involving my thoughts. Now, it’s just an everything type of blog.
In a previous post or maybe a video I did say I wanted to lighten things up. That’s not realistic though. So I am gonna stick with the format that I have. It’s a diary for me. The year is coming to end and I am so glad for it. Not that I am looking forward to the new year. Honestly I am just gonna take one day at a time and push forward until I can’t. Hoping that will be when I am old and grey. Then again, I did just find some grays in my hair.
“Complications of ESLD such as ascites, variceal hemorrhage, hepatic encephalopathy, and renal impairment primarily account for these deaths.”
Just reality setting in about my mom. She’s dying. I recently watched one of the episodes from the Netflix show ‘The Crown’ and Winston Churchill having heard that the King himself was ill and dying, responded in a blunt, yet factual manner. “He’s dying. We are all dying.” It hurt a little, because he was right. We are all dying. Slowly leaving this earth one brain cell at a time. I’m not trying to be sarcastic either. It’s true. It just sucks that our loved ones have to go in pain. I always wanted to have the thought that my mother would get more time to get better and complete everything she had wanted to do. Not disappointed in her past or saying what ifs, but she will. Remember and hearing the doctors words of liver failure, cancer, and only one year angered me. She has more left in her. Reading it, ironically felt more real. I still say she can last beyond the year. She lasted beyond the original five, twice!
Tomorrow I am going to bring up something that she probably said no to. Liver transplant, via me. I am the best candidate! Plus the sucker grows. It’s not all cut and dry like that, but apart of me feels that it is. Can it be done? What’s next.
Honestly, looking at the situation we are unprepared and I am just barely hanging on myself.
She was fiesty today. She answered the phone and was able to take her meds. Like her usual self. Improvement.
2017 seems like it’s gonna be just one of those years like 2016. Shitty.
How is that for optimistic? Also, after everything calms down on my end, I think I will take a needed break from this blog and start fresh. Something more happy. I need it.
See. I knew I would forget about doing this. However, in my defense it was a pretty busy two weeks. Mom is still sick. Work got super hectic. Also, new shows to binge.
As December has moved past me, I have had to deal with a variety of emotions, as well as others. Seeing the vulnerabilities of my mother, humbled me and made me feel horrible. I am so used to my mother being the strong one and now she is the one who needs the comfort and I honestly don’t know what to do majority of the time for her. Not only that, the fact that I have seen so many of my Facebook friends and real world friends going through hardship brings me down to earth that not everything is about me. That God is busy working on other’s prayers and that the strength that He gives to my mother and myself should not be taken lightly.
Prayers. I have been praying to Him for weeks and there are times when I am just ungrateful. But I am mostly thankful for giving my mother strength and for us to keep fighting and making others fight with us to get my mother on the right path. I don’t like quitting, I like going on my own terms and that is what I want for my mother. I want her to go when SHE is ready and when she feels she has lived the life she has always wanted.
She is and will always be my hero. This holiday season really isn’t much of a holiday, but I am still going to say thank you to the man upstairs and for His Son he gave to us.