That would be Gavin DeGraw’s Chariot. That album helped me feel…the lyrics, the instruments, his voice! It all helped. I honestly think as a teenager we seek to find ourselves and introducing ourselves to different things such as music, art, books, movies makes us feel as if we discovered it all on our own. It’s ours. No one else. Gavin DeGraw was that for me. Believe me, everyone heard of him. If you were a teen from 2004, you would have seen or heard of One Tree Hill. Gavin’s song I Don’t Want to be was the theme song. Instantly fell for him and before the social media craze took over my world, television was my way of finding out what was the latest in trends. Then it was on to the library, where I was ecstatic find Gavin DeGraw’s Chariot awaiting me after I placed a hold on it. The library was where I discovered Renee Olstead and gathered tons of romance novels. I was looking for something to entertain me and I found it. I think when I look back on all of my discoveries I found pieces of myself. Now I am doing it all over again, but instead of feeling like I am complete, I feel lost. Overwhelmed and burnt out, I am searching for something to entertain me and I don’t think I have the optimism of a quiet 15 year old. I now have the jaded realist mindset of a vocal 26 year old who wants to curl into herself until her problems go away. Listening to Chariot now still gets me going, but my body is slow and my mind feels weighted down. Looking for the new discoveries of my 20s is gonna take time and I am gonna need to take chances again, even though it scares the crap out of me.
So apparently my last post was aimed for sympathy. Nope. Not at all. I know I am pretty damn lucky to have two jobs and only working on 6 to 7 hours of sleep isn’t something to complain about. My goal for the post was to get out my thoughts on how I was not used to it. How it will eventually become the norm. If I were to fully dedicate myself to my future career, I would probably love spending a good portion of my day out an about for 80 to 100 hour work weeks. Yes, it’s tiring, but it’s for something I love. Maybe I should have been more specific. The loss of sleep for an extra job that is driving me up the wall due to more management is what is making whine like a little baby. Not the job itself or lack of sleep. It’s the fact that I am losing said sleep for poor management. Other then that when I look at my schedule I am pretty damn lucky. I still have plans and I know others who have done this or who are still doing this have plans as well. Mine is debt and to have a financial cusion set up since my mother is sick. I want to be able to prepare for the worse.
This blog is a blog that I use to put out my thoughts. The original name was called the sweet life of a complainer. I am in no way rich or even middle class. I am in the poverty level and I have been my entire life, but my life is simple and I like it that way. Now I am just trying to adjust to be a grown ass woman taking care of her family and complaining or excuse me, venting, is what I will do on this blog. No sympathy. Nothing. If you don’t like it, you can go and read someone else blog.
On a typical night I get about 10 hours worth of sleep time. *Does math in my head. Get home at 4:30ish in the afternoon. Shower. Talk with mom. Catch up on ALL social media even though it’s only been 30 mins (Really, I have a problem). Get tired and I am out at, let’s say 5:30 pm to about 8:30 pm. Wake up. Eat. Watch a bit of TV. Catch up on social media, because I was so “Busy” that I didn’t want to hang out tonight. Go back to sleep at 10 pm and wake up at 6:15 am. Yea, so that is about 10 hours worth of interrupted sleep! Look at me with envy people! Look with envy.
Well that changed as of March 14th. I got a second job working close to 25 to 30 hours a week. Honestly I could do less, but this bare minimum wage sucks ass. My sleep schedule has drastically changed. I now get home at 10:30 pm and get to be at 11:15 pm, waking up at 6:15 am. Yes, I know that is still a lot of hours of sleeping, but what happens when your body has to adjust to it? It gets tired and loses focus. My body aches and I am tired more often and I feel less prepared then when I was before. It’s hard to think and I am stressed out more. My day seems to end a whole lot quicker (Not at the 2nd job, that one seems to last forever) and I feel like I am not accomplishing anything and I’m not.
On Friday, I received my first paycheck from my 2nd job and it was okay, but I practically blew through it. My willpower to save vanished as soon as I knew that I had a cushion to fall on. A cushion that I will need to reach my goal by the end of the year, but telling myself no when I feel so tired and depleted just seemed so mean.
So, now I am making a decision to get off the sad horse and make this work for me. My plan is to change my availability to work for me and to stop complaining at work. I always knew it was going to be an issue, but it’s starting to embarrass me. Don’t want that. Reading that others are working 80 hour work weeks made me feel humble. Yes, it’s a different situation, but we all have a purpose we wish to accomplish and it’s never easy to get reach it. I may not know why I am doing this…but I know I want to have a brighter and lighter (Debt wise) future.
Just breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. *Sobs internally* I miss my 10 hours of sleep!
The past weeks have gone by and I feel like a failure, a success, and a really tired worker (not a sex worker, but a professional with two jobs). As of two weeks ago I added two jobs. Honestly how people do it, actually how parents do it amazes me. Taking on extra duties and skills isn’t as easy as i once thought it would be. In my naive mind, I thought it wold be rather simple. Head into the first job complete tasks, when that’s done go into the second one and complete those minimalist tasks. Tasks that seem simple but are hard for a newbie. I was naive and ignorant when applying to jobs and this entire process has humbled me.
The entire time it has made me realize that people have it worse then me and that I have really come up. Even though it doesn’t feel like, I realize I am no longer in their shoes. Taking the bus, stretching pennies to provide for my family. Yes, I am still considered lower class, but now I am seeing from other perspectives…I am moving, abet slow, out of that class into another area and it freaks me out. I don’t know how to live like this and my finances are examples of that. Poor mistakes with my money have me living paycheck to paycheck, when I should still have money left over. So, even though I have more education then those who I work with at my second job, they are still on the same level as me. Struggling. Working constantly. And trying to survive on minimum wage (Well this I no longer have to do).
In a time where my generation is constantly berated by older generations for being spoiled, I realize that not that much is being done to rectify it. I was spoiled. My mother didn’t want me to work and go to school, so she worked hard, until she got sick, to provide for me. However, that wasn’t the greatest idea. In my case I became needy and accustomed to being pampered and now I am striving for that same security. That’s changing. I am re-evaluating my lifestyle and my needs and the reality of it all is that I seldom need half the stuff in my life that I have. Bill wise, since I live my mom, I understand some of it, but when I live on my own in the future that will change.
This entire growth is thanks to my second job. Yes I am tired and have made mistakes, but I have goals and I know that I wish to reach them I have keep working hard and moving forward. Take a breather and stay open minded through out the process. Easier said then done though, easier said then done.
Remember to breathe through it. Every moment of my life I have had to struggle to breathe. I don’t respiratory problems, no, I have stress issues. I stress over everything that seems a bit out of the norm for me. Today I have simple day. Work and Work. Two jobs almost back to back and since it isn’t apart of my usual routine I am freaking out. No amount of breathing and reading motivational materials has worked as of yet.
So I have telling myself to breathe, relax, and sleep. Yep sleep. I haven’t been getting that a lot, which is another reason I am not doing very well. How do I implement my plan? So many questions in my head…wondering how people manage to balance everything.
Breathe….in…out…in…out (Repeat forever)
It’s hard to face the reality I havea second job, abiet a part time job, but a job nonetheless. So I decided I need to give myself an incentive. Looking at it from the perspective from when I was a graduate student completing my e-portfolio, filling up the pie chart gave me some serious satisfaction. It was great. Sadly it wasn’t the thought of receiving the diploma that motivated me, it was the end of the rainbow, my trip to New Orleans. That trip sucked ass, but it didn’t suck in my mind before I went. My debt reduction plan and savings plan needs the motivation, it needs the incentive that I can complete this job in a specified time and reach the goals I have set and I need to stick with it. Creating a pie chart seems the way to do it. Actually, re-creating my entire e-portfolio plan but for finances seems the right way to go.
A pie chart, a excel spreadsheet of each goal (with amount), and the incentives listed I think will help in getting me to where I need. Now it does require a bit of restraint. Recently my thought process strayed too “I’m an adult, I shouldn’t need any incentives” then I remembered I hated waiting and I don’t like surprises. Welp, gonna suck it up and get back to basics. Just do it. Hopefully, this plan works in the allotted time I have given myself. There are plenty of men and women who are doing the exact same thing as me.
When faced with a difficult road ahead, having a positive attitude and looking for the bright light ahead seems to be the only good thought going through my head. Positivity. Positive that this will all work out.
Resentment: the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
Envy: a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.
These two words describe my feelings today and I am embarrassed by it, yet I relish in it. It’s wierd how two things that are seen as sins are helping me in my motivation. I know that I shouldn’t be jealous of someone elses success, but I am. In the end I am the one who needs to step up her game and stick to what I need to do. It just sucks how it all goes down. These feelings…these shitty feelings. A person can say they work as hard as someone else and it be the EXACT opposite of truth.
Honesty here: I know I can be lazy and put things off. I have “Potential”. The girl who is smart and can “make it”. When in reality, my favorite past time is sleeping and I love to joke around. That doesn’t get me a new job or a pay raise now does it.
I need to get my priorities straight and pronto, because the envy and green that I saw was scary and it was just disconcerting to know I had those feelings. Joy and happiness are what I should be feeling for others and their success. Not resentment and envy.