It has been a minute

14 Apr

It has been a minute since I lasted posted on my blog. For that I apologize. I really haven’t been able to post anything. At least not on this site.

School blogs and work came first and it was hard to really think let alone post. This leads me to explain that basically nothing has happened. Yes I started accruing more vinyl for my collection and I am slowly getting back into my reading habits (less romance and more YA). Also, I am starting to plan for what life will be like outside of school. WHy?

I’m graduating! I will have completed my Master’s program in May, if my adviser deems my portfolio ready. I so hope so. That massive monstrosity ruled my life for the past month. It was rather disgusting how much stuffed is stuffed in my brain. My friends can quote verbatim stuff they learned last semester. I barely remember my name, let alone explain the code of ethics and values that I am supposed to abide by. Don’t get me wrong, I know my stuff and If I really tried I could possible go further in my program, but that isn’t how I work. I try and try and put in the effort, but I usually fall short.

That’s me. I am far from an under achiever. I am just an average achiever.

I want the best, but I will go only so far to get to it.

Anyway, here is a brief of what I have been listening to, reading, and watching:

Kendrick Lemar : Good Kis, M.A.A.D City

Baby Metal: Selftitled Album

Classical Music: The 99 Most Essential pieces of Classical Music

Side Note: I went to see Joshua Bell in concert. It was lovely. It even had Senator Harry Reid in attendance.

The Chainsmokers: #Selfie (So addicting!)

Frank Sinatra/The Rat Pack on Pandora

Reading

Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. Fantastic Book! I absolutely enjoyed it. If you love gaming and 80s nostalgia, then this book is for you.

Watching

Crisis on NBC: It is about high profile parents whose children have been kidnapped for some unknown reason.

The Mindy Project: Mindy Kahling (Sorry for butchering the last name) is wonderful in her writing. It is better than The New Girl and I like that show.

Once Upon a Time: I like this storyline compared to the last season. It’s fun and wicked.

YouTube: The Fine Brothers React Series, BookTube, and whatever is on.

Games

I am not a gamer, but I have been playing these APPs on my iPad

2048: A number game where you have to get to the tile 2048. It is not easy

Jelly Splash

Dots: Connect Four basically

This is what has been occupying my time when I am not doing homework. All very boring stuff, but hey I needed the distraction. Oh! That and food. Which means I have to start my workout regime to get in shape for a 5k I will be doing in few months. Sigh…still peeved that I missed Spartan Race.

Until Next time, thanks for reading this wierd post. I am still wired from that almost(well it had to be) close to 30 pages with references, portfolio. Not bragging or anything. ;)

Questions

6 Mar

Concentrating. It is so hard to think and focus on what needs to be done. Like my body is playing tricks with my head “Hey, we’re tired. So, no productivity today. Ok?” Mean while midnight rolls around and my body goes into overdrive. Absolutely irritating!

I have so many school projects to do and I have a full weekend open to do it, but I have a hard time rolling out of bed and going to the library. When I do go to the library, with computer and books in hand, my concentration is gone. I am easily distracted and zone off towards other thoughts. When I have a deadline, yeah I work fast and furious, but these assignments are important. They need to be finished on time!

Why do I get so tired and un-motivated! What is with this! I don’t think I used to be this way.

I read an article about how personalities don’t change over time, the persons’ goals shift with age. So basically, they are saying that as I get older I will continually become an even more lazier person. WTF.

Now, for those of you who have read my posts, you know that I have tried to set myself up on goals and motivate myself time and time again and to no avail. What do you propose I do to get off my ass and work?

Should I wait until the last minute?

Should I create a to do list or place it on my calendar tricking myself into thinking the assignment is due earlier than said? (May end up doing this)

Or should I just take a breather and stop stressing about it, I just need to take my time.

My options are limited and those questions are not rhetorical. As of now,  I want to relax and read the important materials so I can fully prepare and write a legit paper that isn’t rushed. Looking back at my previous work and thinking this isn’t what I imagine my genius would look like on paper. My blog posts sound better than the papers I have written. That isn’t great!

 

Random thought

28 Feb

Happiness is such a good feeling. For some of us, it just becomes a tedious emotion. Almost like it takes so much out of us to try. Why is that?

Shi**y life is okay sometimes.

28 Feb

So did I actually learn my lesson in how I treat others?

The answer is yes. I wanted to say no to be cheeky and sarcastic, but it will have a lie. I haven’t been a good person over the past year in the friendships I have taken for granted; nor the relationships with those close to me.

My reality of being known as a nice slowly fading away to a know-it-all, self absorbed, whiney girl. I used to be able to look myself in the mirror and see a young women with potential. However, after years of low self esteem and self inflicted emotional abuse, I realize that I need to start looking within and really change for the better.

I am not trying to preach that I will “change my ways”, but that I will start living better. It is one thing to eat better and exercise, but to start being a better person, that stops judging others simply because she is insecure herself.

Hypocrite.

I am trying not to be like those girls back in high school. It’s weird, but I am having recollections of what happened to me in high school and how girls who everyone “liked” was a complete bitch, but still had friends. I feel like they would have felt. Insecure and a bit heartless. That isn’t me. Yes I am sensitive and a bit neurotic, but that’s me. Realistic has made me hard.

Everyone seems to go through a shitty stage in their life. Some last longer than others, but do people really change from the shitty to good? or Good to shitty? I have seen people evolve from absolute revolting human beings to full on God Fearing (Nothing wrong with that. Although, I doubt God will ever forget the sins you have committed. Better to admit them and make amends.). It seems possible for people to change. However, how they go on that journey is beyond me.

Personality

Event

Spirtual awareness

Loss

Gain

So many reasons why people change for the better or for the bad.

You’re probably wondering when I took a turn for the shitty. Easy, I kept getting screwed over and the anger, resentment, distrust, and all and all being fed up with it, led me to that place.

I still remember when I slowly started drifting away from my then best friend. It was hard to consider that person friend when they were on  a destructive path. It was just hard for me to take on. I look back and feel that I abandon her. Even though she abandon me; but that isn’t what friends do.

People evolve and they change along the way. Gotta learn to take a break and look around yourself and ask yourself “Do I really want to be this way?” The answer might surprise you.

 

Here it comes again…

21 Feb

** Disclaimer: Depressing read

 

I wouldn’t say I was depressed. Not exactly. I feel down. I always feel this way. Its become a norm for me. To fell as if I sank even deeper than before in despair. So much stress and drama I have around me that I created is my own reality.

Sometimes I look back at pictures and I see myself at a time that I wasn’t happy either. Like my life will never be satisfying. When it does get to that sweet point of satisfaction, I ruin it with inspiration and over thinking of motivation that I don’t have.

Today I am feeling the usual loneliness and minimal stress from school. Bitterness. Anger. Disappointment. I know it will take me a minute to get out of it, but I usually do. Not gonna lie. In my head I have so many ideas of what I want to do to get out it. Workout. Create. Complete my homework. And you know what I will most likely do? read smut romances, watch YouTube, and listen to music, and sleep.

Like a broken record. Where my mind, body, and soul are so freaking stubborn that they refuse to work together to get me motivated.

Maybe a vitamin will help.

Or maybe I will just ride this bout out.

My optimism has never left me. My stubbornness refuses to let go.

Friends with benefits, so not me

17 Feb

Is it wrong to start living dangerously? Or even a bit on the wild side?

No.

I have recently started embracing my sexual side. Not in a overtly way, but more subtle. However, it is not going as planned.

Feelings of guilt and pride are getting in the way of what, in my opinion, have been done to me.

Recently an ex-boyfriend…who am I kidding my only boyfriend has come back into the picture. I don’t have any feelings for him, but I feel a desire or putting it plainly a need for his…well man bits. I don’t feel shame for it. It is apart of nature. However, I do feel guilty, well now I do. I shamelessly used him last night and subtly (not really) kicked him out. Looking back on this, it was a childish thing to do. I get it! I am hurting him for the multiple times he has used me, but in my opinion and you all are going to roll your eyes, we didn’t have sex.

We haven’t in over a year. That still doesn’t excuse my behavior. So I apologized.

I can’t be one of those girls that leads someone on or even does the friends with benefits knowingly. I have had to nip in the bud with him before, even when we both got what we wanted. But during those times it was implicitly known and agreed upon.

He has changed for the better. Matured. Self-assured. Caring.

I , on the other hand, have gone back to the college days that I never really got have. Which is stupid.

So I am going to go back to my mature and smart self and make better decisions. Just because I don’t want to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean I have to drag someone along for the ride of my own destruction.

Living free is great, but in my case, a friend with benefit will just be a friend that I hang out with as a friend.

 

My Apologies to my health

30 Jan

Dear Health,

Hey. It’s been awhile since I have had a talk with you. You have been up and down these past few months and for that I am most sorry. I let you down. Stopped excercising , going out, living free, and being happy. Graduate school can do that to a person you know? Excuses aside, I know that I have let you down. Even with all of the mottos and affirmations I have around me, laziness keeps winning. Such a bitch I know… However, I am willing to fight along with you, by reading more, smiling more, eating less fatty foods and sweets, drinking more water (How I make this hard, I have no idea), exercising, getting out of the house, less EXCUSES.

These are all good things and all, but I still feel the overwhelming need to go to sleep as soon as I get home. Sigh. We have to work together you and I. We used to be buds! What happened?!

Graduate school and she is a heartless money grabbing bitch!

Sincerely,

Markita’s Brain, Heart, and Happiness , as well as body.

A bit of life here… proceed with caution.

14 Jan

Day by day I am working out. Not a lot. I do simple workouts at work ( 25 squats only…I don’t want to get super sweaty) and at home. This makes me feel less guilty about not working out all the time. So far I am just taking it easy until I feel better. The dentist really did a number on me and meds are making me feel bloopy.

It is week two of being a peer mentor and I haven’t had an easy time. I can just feel myself getting overwhelmed and going back into old habits. Procrastinating. I grade papers and comment on posts, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. I now know how professors feel. That tendency to bite off a students head. They have to deal with 5o plus students every week and be polite and professional. I can barely manage responding without sarcasm. Students who are just out of their element and I have to be the one to boost their confidence up. It’s not as easy as it looks.

Big decision made. Not going to be a professor. This may end up being that I work in a public library…oy vey.

Maybe I am not a people person or I just hate dealing with people who are snooty, lack common sense, or just lazy. Judging librarian right here folks.

Sigh…

Just want to vent and update. I will be posting an update again on my workout. Eventually I will be starting T25 again after I am done with my meds from the doctor.

See you soon!

Kita

Fitness is not my resolution

7 Jan

A girl stops every now and then, right? When it comes to working out? I did that. I was focused and I was determined, then I got tired and said to hell with this. Looking back, I gave up to easily. The excuses reigned in and I just stop. Now mind you T25 isn’t cheap! It is expensive, but effective and can used in the future. For me, it was motivation and self esteem, two things you can’t buy.

I have found it hard to even posts something, since I am so ashamed by my lack of motivation and the fact that I quit so easily. Now I have a goal, a childish one, but still a good motivator.

An ex-boyfriend.

You know the one. They left you high and dry and wanting more. They moved on as if the relationship was just a speed bump to a bunch of others. Well for me, I am to nice and tend to stay friends with the guys I have dated. Mind you my experience is limted and goes down to one guy (Only one BF, several guys I have dated though. Not a total novice). So now I have a goal. To look my best and move on from him.

I am at my heaviest, even though my sweet and loving friends and family say I look fine. However, if I feel unhealthy, then no amount of boost from anyone is going to sway me.

My doctors have even said I need to re-work what I eat. Now it is taking toll on my body.

So I made a goal for myself:

  • I want to look good by the time my ex gets here.
  • Wear a dress for the first time in over two years.
  • Be able to run 1 mile without stopping
  • Drink 8 cups of water – no juices at all!
  • Pre-plan all of my own meals ahead of schedule.
  • Look in the mirror in May and be able to say that I look beautiful.

Now, I sit here on fat behind writing these goals and a part of me knows that I have to start and stop making excuses. I have to do it. It’s only 25 mins! 

Fitness isn’t my New Years resolution. It is my possible savior to live a better life. I want to feel strong, not weak. Confident. Smart.

I want to feel like me…only in smaller size pants.

Anyone out there want to be each others motivators? Because we can do it! Yea…we will quit, but we can help each other out. Let me know.

Slacker! Focus T25

16 Dec

So I have been busy and a bit crampy ( Women you know how that feels). So I have slacked off on T25. What does this mean for me? Well, I hate it. My motivation went kaput. So I will be redoing week two ALL over again. I feel I owe it to myself to get in shape and even though I should be working through the pain, I don’t feel like it. 

After this week of school and feeling fatigue, it will do my body some good to work it all out. If only my body would agree with my thought process. 

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